Latest Suburbian Status Symbol: Bears

Wealthy suburbanites have worked hard to make those less fortunate know that they are less fortunate. Their fancy houses, manicured lawns, high-ticket SUV’s, and a myriad of other toys such as boats and jet skis, are all designed to make the poor working schmo feel as though he is, relatively speaking, a worthless loser.

But lately these smug, obnoxious, yuppies have felt like they just weren’t doing enough to show that they are better than their less well off counterparts. Through years of hard work and smart saving and investment, some of these have-nots have actually begun to accrue some of the accoutrements that have traditionally been beyond their reach.

Photo taken from the window of a jealous neighbor. Young son: "Why can't we have a bear?"

This had led some of those desperate to be superior to turn to a trend that they feel just won’t be available to their working-class urban rivals. That new status symbol? Bears.

In the quickly growing Syracuse suburb of Clay, for example, at least one family has turned to bear ownership to show their regal status. Axel Smugpuppy said his decision to put a bear in the yard was partially motivated by fear. “It’s getting harder and harder to be better than the next guy,” he said. “Soon any working joe will be able to have a boat in his driveway. But you can bet your ass he won’t have a bear!”

Even among his likewise well-to-do neighbors, Smugpuppy’s decision to obtain a bear is looked upon with jealousy and anger. “Who does he think he is, Donald Trump?” said Jeffry Rubyournoseinit. “He’d better not let it come crap in my lawn, and it better not bother Muffy,” he said referring to his labradoodle. (It was later discovered that Muffy and many other area pets have gone missing since the bear arrived).

Smugpuppy, however, is unabashed. “If my neighbors feel my bear makes me better than them, GOOD! Even though it’s getting harder to be better than even average people, you get bonus points for being better than your peers. Maybe their fathers should have given them a little bigger nest egg. I can’t help it if I’m a better inheritor than them!”

UPDATE: Funeral services for the entire Smugpuppy family will be held Friday at 2:00 pm.

CNY Central

Snooki In Fender-bender while in Italy, sadly she is unhurt

Police Miss Opportunity To Eradicate Snooki

Yesterday, “Jersey Shore” castmate Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi was involved in a fender bender with a police car in Florence, Italy where the cast is currently filming their fourth season.

Snooki was driving a Fiat Multipia with Deena in the passenger side when she rammed into the side of a  police car who was escorting them around Florence.

The rush hour impact forced her into a concrete road barrier. The two police officers were taken to an Italian hospital for minor cuts and bruises. Both were then immediately dismissed from the police force for letting Snooki survive the episode. Police spokesman Vittotio Alcantragliano said, “This is a sad day in the annals of the Florence police department when two of our officers get t-boned by the very individual they were assigned to eliminate. The shame that “Jersey Shore” has brought to all of Italy and to Italians through out the world must be avenged. These officers were obviously not up to the task.”

Snooki was driving without a license and was taken to the police station to be questioned by Italian police. She was later released. The officers who released her have also been fired. “I am ashamed of the missed opportunities,” said Alcantragliano.

In a related story, lawyers in the U.S. are filing a class action suit against fans of the show “Jersey Shore” for watching this crap and allowing a fourth season to occur.

Global Grind

Amid Turmoil in Sudan, “Beverly Hillbillies” Remake In Progress

If you look carefully, you can see Granny on top of the truck.

The news has been grim from Sudan lately as civil war rages and the population suffers. Not to mention it wasn’t much fun in Sudan before the war. Let’s face it Sudan’s a pretty grim vacation destination in it’s best days.

But in spite of living in a world turned upside down by the horrors of war and political unrest, the people of this beleaguered nation can look forward to seeing a remake of one of the greatest shows in the history of television. As can be seen from this photo, a new version of “The Beverly Hillbillies” is in production. The picture shows the family moving from the backwater hills heading to their mansion in Khartoum after striking it rich.

There are some notable differences in this updated version in order to make it more relevant to the average Sudanese viewer.  For example:

  • As can be seen from the photo, there are about  fifteen members of the hillbilly family, as opposed for four in the original.
  • There are also more burned out houses than the Clampetts used to see.
  • There will be a much higher incidence of infectious disease than before, and Ellie Mae’s critters will tend to eat people far more often.
  • The Jethro character’s fourth grade education will make him not only the most literate member of the hillbilly family, but among the most educated persons in the entire nation.
  • The scheming banker whose institution holds the family fortune will be called Mr. Abdullah Deng Nhial, and his bank’s prior holdings of eight dollars and fifty cents will so impress the hillbillies that they will trust him unreservedly.
  • And finally instead of a “cement pond” in the back yard, this family will have the “killing field.”
Whoo-doggies! I thought WE had it bad!

The chance to watch this family’s light-hearted shenanigans will do much to elevate the mood of the average viewer, assuming their television, along with the rest of their worldly possessions aren’t being shelled or actively burning. Their cares will melt away as the hillbilly family welcomes them into their mansion and the viewers “have a heapin’ helpin’ of their hospitality.”  In no time at all, as family members of the viewing public are being hauled off by rebel forces, the last thing they hear from the loved ones they leave behind will be:

“Y’all come back now, ya hear?”


Living Vicariously Through Twitter

So I don’t get out much. Money’s tight and I live in Syracuse, for God’s sake. What’s the point of going out? There’s nothing to do. Maybe if you time it right you might get to see another business leave town or something like that, but aside from that brand of low-lights nothing much happens around here.

But do I dispair? Well, yes a little. It’s damn depressing living in a town where the sun rarely shines and the most exciting thing that happened all year was we got to have our own serial killer on an episode of Criminal Minds.

So how do I cope? Twitter, my friends, Twitter.

Alyssa is the preggers one next to Prince

You see I follow a lot of people who live exciting lives and do exciting things. Just yesterday I got to hear about Jenna Elfman and Alyssa Milano going to see Prince in concert. Even got to see a picture of Alyssa dancing on stage with The Artist. Oh, and a lovely shot of Jenna’s ticket. It was really cool.  Steve Martin is playing banjo concerts around the country, and Albert Brooks’ new book is selling very well. For the past few nights Neil Patrick Harris has been enjoying a series of excellent plays. Denise Richards is always doing something fun with her kids, which is nice, although every time she tweets I picture her making out with Neve Campbell, and I blush a little.

I don’t hear much from my pal Arnold Schwartzenegger much lately for some reason. I guess he’s just busy, caught up in life’s little bumps in the road.

David Spade is at UFC 130. I can almost smell the blood!

And tonight, from the looks of it David Spade is at UFC 130, watching my man Rampage Jackson. David did a funny tweet about being behind Biebs and Selena, although it just turned out to be regular people. It brought vague memories of something else I’d read about Bieber, although David Spade probably hasn’t read that article. When would he find the time?

In fact, if not for my many friends on Twitter, I would probably begin to doubt the existence of a “real” world. I might even devolve into one of those dudes from Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, where the only reality I know is that of the shadows I see on the wall before me. And how much would that suck? Shadows don’t tweet!

And should I ever feel just a tad jealous at the exciting lives of my Twitter celeb friends, I can count on regular tweets from the Dali Lama to help recenter me. Actually his tweets usually just make me realize what a shallow, uncaring rat-bastard I am, but they do so in a centering sort of way.

So let me close with this word of advice: should you live in a shit town filled with shit things to do and have no money to do any of it anyway, let the beautiful people tweet your cares away. On the other hand if you live somewhere where there’s always something going on, and you’re always out experiencing it, tweet me for cryin’ out loud. You don’t want me staring at shadows, do you?

Archaeologists unearth 5,000-year-old ‘third-gender’ caveman

Gay Caveman

Archaeologists investigating a 5,000-year-old Copper Age grave in the Czech Republic believe they may have unearthed the first known remains of a gay or transvestite caveman, reports the Telegraph.

The man was apparently buried as if he were a woman, an aberrant practice for an ancient culture known for its strict burial procedures.

Since the grave dates to between 2900 and 2500 BC, the man would have been a member of the Corded Ware culture, a late Stone Age and Copper Age people named after the unique kind of pottery they produced. Men in this culture were traditionally buried lying on their right side with their heads pointing west, but this man was instead buried on his left side with his head pointing east, which is how women were typically buried. Other indications of the caveman’s sexual orientation included the feathered boa wrapped around his neck, the designer animal skins by Og de la Renta, and the stiletto heals he was wearing. Also a stone found nearby was carved with pictographs which archaeologist Myron Hurgenfunde believe can be translated as “He was FAB-U-LUSSSSSS!”

Another clue is that Corded Ware men would typically be buried alongside weapons, hammers and flint knives, as well as food and drink to prepare them for their journey to the other side. But this man’s grave instead contained only a tube of mascara.

With all the evidence taken together, archaeologists are confident that the best explanation for the strange burial is that the man was effeminate, perhaps a homosexual, and possibly a transvestite. But, they stress, he was probably endowed with all the rights and status of any Corded Ware caveperson, which included the right to be ripped to shreds and devoured by wild beasts and to live every night in terror because the sun had been eaten by the horizon. “In that way,” said Hurgenfunde, “they were much more advanced than we are today.”

Justin Bieber gets Two Tattoos, Still a Dweeb

Justin Bieber with sad, deluded Selena Gomez

Some paparazzi shots of a shirtless Justin Bieber have revealed that the 17-year-old lame-ass excuse for a pop star is sporting what appear to be two tattoos: one on his waist — a tiny bird’s head — and one on his ribcage. He was told it was the word “Yeshua,” or Jesus, written in Hebrew, however according Hebrew scholars it is actually the word “Schmuck.” The shots also reveal that should Bieber decide to spend any time at the beach, he should expect to have a great deal of sand kicked in his face. Astronauts on board the International Space Station have also complained of an “unbearable reflected glare” from the Hawaiian Islands, which turned out to the be sun reflected off of the Biebs’s pasty white skin.

While we don’t know the intentions behind Bieber’s tattoo, as it certainly doesn’t make him any less of a wiener, he did visit Israel in April, where he ranted on Twitter about how the paparazzi wouldn’t give him the time or space to properly engage with the holy sites. The holy sites have drafted an official letter of thanks to the paparazzi for keeping the little twerp away.

In a related story, three-year-old tourist Patty Melt is very upset with Beiber for stealing her sunglasses.


NASA Misinterprets Data on “Blue Stragglers”

One of the rarest sights in the galaxy...

This is an artist’s concept of a close binary pair of stars that are merging to form a blue-straggler-class star. Blue stragglers are so named because they seem to be lagging behind in their rate of aging compared with the population from which they formed. The merger stirs up hydrogen fuel and causes the resulting more massive star to undergo nuclear fusion at a faster rate, causing it to burn hotter and bluer. Probing the star-filled, ancient hub of our Milky Way, the Hubble Space Telescope has found blue stragglers for the first time within our galaxy’s bulge.

However what was originally thought to be one of the rarest sights within our galaxy turned out to be nothing more than the shining headlights of a Ford Galaxy.

Accidentally launched into orbit in 1967 during the height of the space race with the Soviet Union, the red Galaxy is shown here without the glare of its headlights obscuring the chrome and finely detailed red body work.

...turns out to be a FORD Galaxy!

Owner of the car, Art Stimsky, told Things to Laugh About that he had been looking for the car these past 44 years after going to where he had parked it only to find large scorch marks on the ground.

NASA, still reeling of the loss of contact with Mars Rover Spirit, announced that it was “very embarrassed” over the misinterpretation of its findings stating, “This may be the biggest astronomical screw-up since that whole ‘canals on Mars’ thing with Perceval Lowell.”

In a related story, NASA house band “The Blues Stragglers” will be performing at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory cafeteria next Tuesday during happy hour.