Wealthy suburbanites have worked hard to make those less fortunate know that they are less fortunate. Their fancy houses, manicured lawns, high-ticket SUV’s, and a myriad of other toys such as boats and jet skis, are all designed to make the poor working schmo feel as though he is, relatively speaking, a worthless loser.
But lately these smug, obnoxious, yuppies have felt like they just weren’t doing enough to show that they are better than their less well off counterparts. Through years of hard work and smart saving and investment, some of these have-nots have actually begun to accrue some of the accoutrements that have traditionally been beyond their reach.
This had led some of those desperate to be superior to turn to a trend that they feel just won’t be available to their working-class urban rivals. That new status symbol? Bears.
In the quickly growing Syracuse suburb of Clay, for example, at least one family has turned to bear ownership to show their regal status. Axel Smugpuppy said his decision to put a bear in the yard was partially motivated by fear. “It’s getting harder and harder to be better than the next guy,” he said. “Soon any working joe will be able to have a boat in his driveway. But you can bet your ass he won’t have a bear!”
Even among his likewise well-to-do neighbors, Smugpuppy’s decision to obtain a bear is looked upon with jealousy and anger. “Who does he think he is, Donald Trump?” said Jeffry Rubyournoseinit. “He’d better not let it come crap in my lawn, and it better not bother Muffy,” he said referring to his labradoodle. (It was later discovered that Muffy and many other area pets have gone missing since the bear arrived).
Smugpuppy, however, is unabashed. “If my neighbors feel my bear makes me better than them, GOOD! Even though it’s getting harder to be better than even average people, you get bonus points for being better than your peers. Maybe their fathers should have given them a little bigger nest egg. I can’t help it if I’m a better inheritor than them!”
UPDATE: Funeral services for the entire Smugpuppy family will be held Friday at 2:00 pm.