Archive for June, 2011

Zombie Nowitzki Infects Major League Baseball

Nowitzki's Pitch (and arm) Sail Almost to the backstop

Since breaking the tale that Dirk Nowitzki, MVP of the NBA finals was, in fact, a zombie, we’ve kept our eye on the story, which is more than we can say for Dirk, who has had trouble keeping his eye off the floor, literally. It seems the zombie MVP has moved on to baseball now, looking for a fresh pool of victims.

Nowitzki was invited to throw out the first pitch of a Texas Rangers baseball game, and as the photo shows his arm and the ball it was throwing have sailed toward the backstop. Only the bravery of Michael Young kept the ball and arm from sailing over hishead and into the face of the Rangers Captain mascot.

Dirk last threw a pitch before a 2003 Rangers game, so his aim was a little rusty and his arm was a little fetid.

Armless Nowitzki: "Brains."

In a post pitch press conference, Notwitzki put up with a little good natured ribbing.

“Dirk, nice arm!”

“Ha, ha, ha. Brains.”

“It was a hell of a pitch, but the arm may have gotten there first!”

“Ho, ho, ha. Brains.”

“Did you imagine you were throwing at LeBron?”

“RAHRRRR! BRAINS!!!”

The crowd quickly scattered as Nowitzki waded angrily in amongst the people and started devouring as many people as he could get his one good hand on.

Sports experts tremble with fear wondering what sport Dirk will destroy next.

Ariz. fire likely set by Mexican smugglers, sheriff says

PALOMINAS, Ariz. — The sheriff of Cochise County, Arizona, said on Tuesday that Mexican drug smugglers are likely to blame for a wildfire that has scorched 27,000 acres and destroyed dozens of homes just north of the U.S.-Mexico border.

"Those gald-busted flappin' jabber puppies burnt my Volvo!" said Sheriff Gabby "Pecos" Westerberger

“If it weren’t smugglers, than it were probably rustlers, sheep farmers, or the work of that feared desperado, Billy The Bic,” said Sheriff Gabby “Pecos” Westerberger.

The remarks are likely to add to controversy over the origin of recent blazes which saw Arizona Sen. John McCain draw criticism for suggesting some of them could have been started by illegal immigrants. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen them with my own eyes,” said the former presidential candidate, “eating beans, then lighting each others’ farts and then laughing like mad men. They’re taking farts away from hard-working Americans!”

“It were no doubt some coheese or wrangler. Some sidewinder or scallywag or perchance it were a sick son of a carpetbagger!” Sheriff Westerberger added, much to Senator McCain’s dismay. “Sheriff I’m trying to make a point here!” McCain said.

“I’m not liking the looks of you, feller!” said the sheriff reaching for his six-shooter. Just then a tumbleweed rolled through the center of town. And it burst into flames.  A moment later a giggling John McCain was spotted pulling up his pants and pocketing an expensive Ronson lighter.

MSNBC

New Cigarette Warnings Miss the Mark, says FDA

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Dead bodies, diseased lungs and a man on a ventilator were among the graphic images for revamped U.S. tobacco labels, unveiled on Tuesday by health officials who hope the warnings will help smokers quit.

Proposed in November under a law that put the multibillion-dollar tobacco industry under the control of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, the new labels must be on cigarette packages and in advertisements no later than September 2012. They represent the first change in cigarette warnings in 25 years.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Seedpod and FDA Commissioner Margaret Humbug were to discuss the nine new warnings at the White House. Images of the labels were released early Tuesday. But are they on target? Things To Laugh About got hold of some of the proposed warning labels, and frankly we can see the FDA’s concern. Here are some samples:

“I don’t really know if these warnings give the message we were looking for,” said Humbug. “It seems to me that we were hoping to discourage  and I personally don’t think these labels really do that. Not so much.”

Ms. Seedpod chimed in, saying, “I think it’s back to the drawing board, probably with a new agency.”

Yahoo News

Two Things you Need to Know About Women

While trolling through Twitter this early morning I saw something posted by Alyssa Milano about 10 Things you Need To Know About a Woman’s Brain. These included:

  • She changes every day based on her cycle
  • She is really intuitive, though not magic
  • She responds to pain and anxiety differently

She's a psycho killer.

And so on. The list of ten things ranged from the painfully obvious to the experientially untrue. But here at Things To Laugh About we like to simplify, so we’ve reduced the list to TWO things you need to know about women.

1. She is Crazy

2. She wants to kill you

Once you get that figured out you can cautiously proceed through life like a rabbit in a minefield. This may sound grim, but remember, according to a recent TTLA study, one out of every 250 rabbits gets through the minefield unharmed. OK, those aren’t great odds. I’m not your bookie, I’m your humor writer. You want good odds? Build a time machine, go back a couple of weeks and bet the farm on the Dallas Mavericks.  We’re dealing with women here. All bets are off.

If, however, you keep our two tenants in mind you can get through this thing called life. Simply hide everything sharp, sell any firearms you may own, flush anything poisonous down the toilet and maybe get some restraints for night time. Tell her you just want to get kinky.  It could work.

But if all else fails and you find yourself running for your life, just remember that we warned you, so don’t come crying to us.

10 Facts

Geico: NOT So Easy A Caveman can do it!

The lying sack of shit Geico company

A new study released today indicates that insurance company and bad commercial maker, Geico, lied when they said getting their insurance was so easy a caveman can do it. Anthropologist Margaret Mood said today that the intricacies to obtaining an insurance policy were way  beyond the capabilities of even an above average caveman.

“They’re just too stupid,” said Mood, pointing to a group of cavemen trying to put a square peg into an electrical outlet. “They don’t have the writing skills to sign their name and they have absolutely no concept of the date, so how can they sign and date the forms? I tell you how. They can’t, that’s how.”

May not actually be a caveman. Might be an actor.

When asked for their comments, the cavemen uttered a series of grunts and other unintelligible phrases, which Mood told TTLA roughly translates to “Nice loincloth.”

“I think they like your slacks,” Mood said. “They are smart.”

But what about all those commercials featuring cavemen showing their disdain for the Geico advertising campaign? Mood’s study reveals these may have actually been actors, made up to look like cavemen, but were not actual cavemen. “We feel this made the commercials misleading at best, and perhaps out-rightly fraudulent.”

“Our findings in this area are based on such facts as these:

  • Cavemen rarely carry luggage
  • Cavemen do not have a good grasp of the English language, especially to the point of using idioms
  • Cavemen have never been observed to use smartphones in the wild
  • Cavemen are just damn stupid, that all there is to it!”

The Official portrait of the President of Geico

When asked for a comment, Samuel Horse’sass, president of the multi-billion dollar insurance company, said “We never actually indicate in the commercials what it was that was actually so easy a caveman could do it. We may have been referring to making fire, or painting exquisite cave decorations. We might not have meant they had anything to do with our insurances. It could have all been a great misunderstanding.” He then waved his hand and said, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

Reporters left confused and disoriented, but were quite convinced that the droids they were looking for were elsewhere.

“You see,” said Dr. Mood. “making fire is not easy for a caveman who has no idea of how to use one of those long nosed campfire lighter thingies. He’ll have to bang rocks together and hope he gets lucky. That Horse’sass even worked his damn Jedi mind tricks on you!  Do you believe their crap about the cavemen now?” The reporters shook their heads but said, “We have to find the droids.”

In a related story, Geckos may not actually be able to speak.

Small plane in Camp David air space while Obama there; Pilot needs new britches

"Hey Buddy, you mind pulling over for a quick chat?"

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – A small aircraft wandered into the airspace of Camp David, Maryland, while President Barack Obama was there on Saturday and was intercepted by two F-15 fighter jets patrolling in the area, authorities said.

The Beechcraft Bonanza aircraft had filed a flight plan but was not in radio contact and got within 11 miles of the presidential retreat.

“Out of an abundance of caution, they decided to intercept him,” said Stacey Notch, spokeswoman for North American Aerospace Defense (NORAD).

"Oh man it smells bad in here."

The two F-15 jets from Jacksonville, Florida, were patrolling in the area and guided the plane to a landing at nearby Hagerstown, Maryland. When the pilot emerged from the plane his face was ashen and his pants were clearly soiled. “One minute I’m putting along in the ol’ Bonanza, the next minute I got two fighters lighting me up like a Christmas tree. You’re damn right I pooped ’em. Tell me you wouldn’t!”

Truly a smart pair of slacks.

The pilot, a Mr. Breeze  Dumpington, was escorted inside a building where he was both debriefed and de-fouled. He came out of the building about 20 minutes later wearing a smile and a smart new pair of Haggar slacks. “You know they’re not bad guys once they back the air-to-air missles off. Look at these pants. They’re smart!”

Unfortunately the same cannot be said for Mr. Dumpington, who upon taking off immediately flew back into Camp David airspace, and was promptly blown out of the sky.

The two F-15 pilots, Cpt. Walt Wizzbang and Lt. Chucky Bigboom, were later interviewed, and expressed a modicum of remorse. Wizzbang addressed the TTLA reporters saying, “We hated to blow him apart like that. I mean we used six missiles and I honestly believe the last two were just making the debris smaller. But we gave him a free pass the first time. Everybody gets one. Tell ’em Chucky.”

“Everybody gets one,” replied Bigboom.

Apparently everybody gets one.

Yahoo News

Before and After Shots of Disaster Cleanup

MSNBC – Today photos were released showing before and after shots of the progress made in the clean up of various natural disasters, including the tsunami in Japan and, shown here at Things To Laugh About exclusively, some of the tornado-swept areas of the United states.

Unidentified Kansas girl caught out in tornado

This dramatic shot taken as the tornado approached and the winds were already causing significant damage, shows a young Kansas girl caught without shelter.

Careful examination of the shot reveals the giant twister approaching in the background as the fencing around the young woman’s house is already being ripped out by the raging storm.

Scenes such as this replayed all over the country during the past few weeks as meteorologists began to wonder of this was to become the “new normal” for weather in the U.S.

But as traumatic as this scene may appear, only a short time later the same young woman was identified in this picture showing the great lengths to which recovery has already come to the area.

The scene is much improved in just a short time.

Apparently the young woman has met up with various members of her admittedly unorthodox family and they have made their way from the rural wasteland that was caused by the path of the tornado to a more urban area which appears either to have not been too greatly effected or has shown amazing recovery in a relatively short time.

Although the road appears to be overgrown with some form of indigenous plant life, the group seems eager to make their way through. We can only hope that they are not poppies, as we all known what that shit can do to you. You’re living clean one moment and nodding like a madman the next.

But we’re pretty sure they’ll be fine.

Elsewhere the progress is somewhat less complete but is dramatic nonetheless, as can be seen by following the link at the end of this story.

MSNBC