Working hard at not living to be 25.

It is with great sadness I must inform you that Lindsay Lohan has survived to become one year older today as she celebrates her 25th birthday. How this could have happened is a mystery considering the hard work she has turned in a not remaining alive. Let’s take a look at some of her efforts:

  • Falls down, drunk, while on probation, in front of a bar and several cameras.
  • Attempts to sell house arrest anklet on Craig’s List as “Genuine Rolex with Ankle.”
  • Challenges Amy Winehouse to a “Betcha I Die First” Contest.
  • Remakes “Love Bug” movie with nothing but “Buzzed driving” scenes
  • Remakes “Mean Girls” with all revenge scenes consisting of vomiting on the “Plastics.”
  • Explains her name’s appearance in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs by saying, “The Lohan Has Always Been.”

Local police are celebrating Lohan’s birthday by clearing out the drunk tank and sending all the amateur drunkards home.

Lohan's rival in the "Who Dies First?" Sweepstakes, Amy Winehouse.

Lohan’s rival for “Who Dies First” honors, Amy Winehouse, issued the following statement: “It is my sincere hope that Lindsay enjoys a nice, safe, quiet birthday, and that she manages to stay out of trouble and out of the public eye. She needs, at this important time in her life, to remember the terms of her probation and to exert some control over her actions.” Winehouse managed to keep a straight face for exactly one second then said, “No I don’t bloody care what she does. The worse the better as far as I’m concerned. Keeps the heat off me, and that’s a good thing.”

TTLA attempted to reach Lohan for a statement on her birthday plans, but we called at 6:30 am, and were apparently too late, as she’d obviously already begun partying.

“I’m nonga party tell I puge, then I’m nonga puge some nore, then I’m nonga party some…BRLATTT!” Her huge vomit splatter in mid sentence seemed to indicate that the celebration was well underway.

We here at TTLA which Lindsay the warmest of birthdays, and ask that she cleans up after herself.

  1. So Lindsay – that rehab thing. How’s that working out for you?

  1. May 16th, 2017

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