In a move that is shocking only to those who expect sane thinking to come from government, (i.e. those who have never dealt with congress before), the word from Capitol Hill is that legislation has been proposed that will require every American to ambulate only by leaping on Leap Day.
According to the draft of the legislation, once every four years, on February 29, if you want to move around you’ll have to do so by leaping. When asked where this leaping would occur, Alabama representative Robert Aderholt said, “Ah, to and fro, basically. Yes, you will be leaping to and fro.”
In order to finance this idea, representative George Miller, (D- California) has proposed what he calls a “Leap Tax,” of $50 per American citizen. In a move designed to encourage excellence in leaping, representative Jack Kingston (R – Georgia) has proposed a 10% tax break for those who leap the furthest. Theoretically those leaping off of tall buildings would be guaranteed to receive the incentive. Because forcing people to leap doesn’t really cost anything, congress will use the accumulated tax revenues to buy beer and marijuana, purchases which now are financed through inheritance taxes, (the infamous “Party ‘Cause They’re Dead” tax.)
The bill has provisions for dealing with those Americans who do not comply with the Leap Legislation, including beatings with a rubber hose and repeated taserings. These will be administered by unpaid bands of roving sociopaths, many of whom will come from congress itself.
Not everyone on Capitol Hill is on board with the Leap Legislation, however. Senator John Barrasso, (R-Wyoming) stated, “My constituents would much rather do the worm.”
Another non-shocking aspect of this entire debacle, is that members of congress will be exempt from the leaping, both to and fro. Said Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia), “We were not elected to comply with the law, only to sit around and make them up.”
It is not yet certain whether the bill will have the support it needs to be made into law, but it appears to have a frightening amount of momentum. So enjoy today, which may be your last non-leaping Leap Day.
In the wilds of Africa a pug from a warlike tribe known as the Puguwango has been spotted, showing off two of his conquests. As can be seen in the picture, the dog has shrunken the heads of two members of a rival tribe and turned them into adorable slippers. Whatever didn’t go into the slippers went into the stew pot.
Missionaries who have tried to make contact with the Puguwango have thus far found their efforts thwarted by their tendency to end up as a meal for the vicious pugs.
Anthropologist Maria Hemphammer told TTLA that “It is in everyone’s best interest just to leave the Puguwango alone. We shouldn’t attempt to interfere with their centuries-old culture. Besides they’ll eat you.”
General Howard “Blood” Wolaczeski offered another point of view, saying, “I think we should just send in the Marines and wipe the Puguwango off the face of the planet. I mean, I know it’s a dog-eat-dog world, but these savages take it too far.
When asked to comment a representative of the Puguwango said only “Hello, Lunch!” prompting our correspondent to beat feet as fast as possible.
In a related story, a housewife in New Jersey entered her livingroom only to find all of her beloved pets were actually demons.
“I should be horrified,” said Mrs. Samantha Blockbottom, “but they make such good flashlights!”
Anyone who has ever perused the web phenomenon known as Craigslist knows it hosts a wide variety of items. From the mundane to the rare, it’s all there and it’s all for sale. Recently a particularly peculiar item went up for sale when a young man, (who wishes to remain anonymous) put his colon up for sale. You read right; he’s selling his large intestine. TTLA caught up with him and asked the following questions.
TTLA: Why are you selling your colon on Craigslist?
Anon: Well I tried going the 3×5 card on the grocery store bulletin but I didn’t really get any bites, so I thought, “let’s give this internet thing a try.”
TTLA: And how much are you asking for your organ?
Anon: Um, forty-five dollars. American.
TTLA: That’s not very much money.
Anon: It’s not that great a colon.
TTLA: Is there something specific you want to do with the forty-five dollars?
Anon: There’s this set of chrome lug nuts I’ve been looking at.
TTLA: And what kind of a car do you have on which to place your shiny new lug nuts?
Anon: I don’t actually own a car at the present time, but when I do…bam! Lug nuts! One less thing to worry about.
TTLA: Now, how will the transfer of your colon occur? Will you deliver?
Anon: No, they have to come and actually remove it, then haul it away.
TTLA: I see. And how will you function without a large intestine?
Anon: I guess the small intestine will just have to step up.
At that point in the interview the young man received a phone call inquiring about his colon and we went our separate ways.
Our lasting impression was that the young man was a retard. But should his scheme be successful, this could be just the beginning of a whole new era in web based organ sales, and our friend could become the first internet organ mogul. But most likely he’ll just die.
Abraham Lincoln is widely considered one of the best presidents ever to lead the United States. To have been at the helm of the ship of state through one of its darkest eras surely earns him such recognition. But it is known that in his own time Lincoln was far less popular, in both the North and the South, than is the man as we know him today. Many people point to the almost impossibly charged political climate of the times, but TTLA has unearthed evidence which may further explain his contemporary criticism.
Recently, Edda Spinachbinder, a researcher at the Abraham Lincoln Library and Presidential Museum in Harrowgate, Tennessee, was making her way through some of the dustiest and most unused corners of this prestigious site, when she came across a rather large envelope which bore the label “That Gettysburg Thing.” What she found when she opened the package shook her understanding of the 16th president to the core.
“What I found,” said Ms. Spinachbinder, “was a series of early drafts of the world famous Gettysburg Address, many of which are very different from the speech as we know it today.”
She pulled out one of the sheets and read from it, indicating that it may be the first draft. The text was as follows:
“Whoa, what a lot of dead people there are here! The last time I was around this many stiffs I was addressing a joint session of congress!”
“He also appears to have written in his own rim-shots, as after entries such as that he has written, ‘bada-boom!'” said Spinachbinder. She also found evidence that Lincoln planned to deal with the care for the war-wounded at the end of the conflict in a later draft which read:
“I see a lot of wounded veterans in the crowd today, and I’m sure you’re concerned about how your government will care for you in light of the service you have rendered to your nation. I’m sure you’ll be making claims for veterans rights, but frankly I don’t think you have a leg to stand on! HA! Amputation joke! Ahh, what’s the matter Stumpy? Too Soon? Bada-boom!”
There have arisen questions as to the President’s mental status during the composition of the address, as history tells us. During the train trip from Washington, D.C., to Gettysburg on November 18, Lincoln remarked to John Hay that he felt weak. On the morning of November 19, Lincoln mentioned to John Nicolay that he was dizzy. Finally he admitted to Montgomery Blair, “Monty, I’m shit-faced. There’s no telling how this speech might go.”
Lincoln won no good grace from the locals either, as draft three indicates:
“It’s great to be back in Pennsylvania. Wonderful freakin’ state. I spent a month here one afternoon. I’m thinking of turning this whole stinking cesspool into a national cemetery. It would be an improvement.”
But as the drafts went on, the speech began to start making inroads into more recognizable formats.
For example, draft seven’s opening sentence, “I scored four times on the train ride here,” became “Four score and seven years ago.”
The statement “I’m so drunk, I doubt I’ll remember being here,” became “The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.”
“I don’t know how long I can endure being in your company,” became “Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.” And finally…
“I wish all you people and the people by the people as well as those four people, would just perish from the earth,” became, “…and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
Of course no recordings of the speech exist, poised as it was just prior to the invention of the phonograph and way before the iPod, but the fact that it is remembered in its final, magnificent format, appears to be largely due to the skill at which the President’s personal attendants sobered him up prior to his arrival in Gettysburg.
In an equally epic discovery, Ms. Spinachbinder has found an early draft of the Emancipation Proclamation, which suggested that the black slaves of the south be freed, but that they should be replaced by “Eye-ties from New Jersey.”
“It’s a wonder he wasn’t shot sooner,” concluded Spinachbinder.