In a move that is shocking only to those who expect sane thinking to come from government, (i.e. those who have never dealt with congress before), the word from Capitol Hill is that legislation has been proposed that will require every American to ambulate only by leaping on Leap Day.
According to the draft of the legislation, once every four years, on February 29, if you want to move around you’ll have to do so by leaping. When asked where this leaping would occur, Alabama representative Robert Aderholt said, “Ah, to and fro, basically. Yes, you will be leaping to and fro.”
In order to finance this idea, representative George Miller, (D- California) has proposed what he calls a “Leap Tax,” of $50 per American citizen. In a move designed to encourage excellence in leaping, representative Jack Kingston (R – Georgia) has proposed a 10% tax break for those who leap the furthest. Theoretically those leaping off of tall buildings would be guaranteed to receive the incentive. Because forcing people to leap doesn’t really cost anything, congress will use the accumulated tax revenues to buy beer and marijuana, purchases which now are financed through inheritance taxes, (the infamous “Party ‘Cause They’re Dead” tax.)
The bill has provisions for dealing with those Americans who do not comply with the Leap Legislation, including beatings with a rubber hose and repeated taserings. These will be administered by unpaid bands of roving sociopaths, many of whom will come from congress itself.
Not everyone on Capitol Hill is on board with the Leap Legislation, however. Senator John Barrasso, (R-Wyoming) stated, “My constituents would much rather do the worm.”
Another non-shocking aspect of this entire debacle, is that members of congress will be exempt from the leaping, both to and fro. Said Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia), “We were not elected to comply with the law, only to sit around and make them up.”
It is not yet certain whether the bill will have the support it needs to be made into law, but it appears to have a frightening amount of momentum. So enjoy today, which may be your last non-leaping Leap Day.