Archive for April, 2014

Virginia Officials Fight to Curb Bar-B-Q at Train Wreck Site

Flames rise into the sky as Virginians rush to Bar-B-Q gophers.

Flames rise into the sky as Virginians rush to Bar-B-Q gophers.

After a train crashed and burst into flames officials in Virginia had to mobilize to curtail a rush of locals who gathered to use the flames to bar-b-q their dinner. Several gophers, muskrats and weasels were confiscated as toothless denizens ran toward the burning train.

“We’ve learned to expect this sort of thing,” said Bruce Bentricle, Commissioner of Illegal Cooking at Sites of Public Disaster. “People around here just love their barbecue. It’s very hard to keep them away from an open flame of any kind. When asked if this sort of thing had happened often, Bentricle replied, “Why do you think we have a Commissioner of Illegal Cooking at Sites of Public Disaster? This sort of thing happens all the time. Not only the barbecue, but the train wrecks as well. We think the engineers are in cahoots with the gopher cookers.”

Also on the scene was Director for the Institute for the Study of Intentional Train Wrecks, Myron Pockmyer, who said, “Virginia is just a magnet for this sort of thing. You can’t even get a train from point a to point b without someone derailing it in hopes of causing a fire so a bunch of inbred so and so’s can cook their road kill over it.”

Oklahoma Misunderstands Lethal Injection Cocktail

 

This happy fellow had to complete his own execution when Oklahoma doctors botched the job.

This happy fellow had to complete his own execution when Oklahoma doctors botched the job.

OKLAHOMA CITY (Reuters) – Oklahoma inmate Clayton Lockett died during a botched execution on Tuesday, minutes after a doctor had called a halt to the procedure, raising more questions about new death penalty cocktails used by the state and others. Dr. Bodie O. Dough said, “I first tried a Mai Thai, then a Singapore Sling, finally settling on a Sex On The Beach.” It was apparent that the doctor completely misunderstood the meaning of “cocktail” in this case.

Lockett died of an apparent massive heart attack about 40 minutes after the procedure started, he said. “We were very grateful that he saw fit to complete the job that we had a tidge of difficulty with.”

The troubled execution was expected to have national implications, with lawyers for death row inmates having argued that new lethal injection cocktails used in Oklahoma and other states could cause undue suffering and violate constitutional protections against cruel and unusual punishment.

“This could be a real turning point in the whole debate as people get disgusted by this sort of thing,” said Richard Dieter, the executive director of the Death Penalty Information Center, which monitors capital punishment. “I guess the act of hiring doctors who worked their way through med school as bartenders is not a good idea. Someone should tell Oklahoma that it could cause confusion with wide reaching implications.”

Donald Sterling Branches Out

Sterling thinking up other races to insult.

Sterling thinking up other races to insult.

Sensitive to the criticism he had drawn for his anti-African American statements, Donald Sterling today decided to sling racial epitaphs at other groups as well. “I don’t want you to bring any Eskimos, Chinese people or Native Americans to my games either,” he said. “Jews and Palestinians, forget it. I must own a few of those too, don’t I. I’m paying them, buying them houses and expensive Playstation 4’s. Don’t talk to me about it. And those North Koreans. Forget it. Don’t let me catch any of them in the arena.”

TTLA obtained exclusive audio of the Clippers owner running through a veritable check list of people to insult in a vain attempt to not be seen as being prejudiced against blacks. “Australians. I’ve had it with them.”

As of game time tonight the United Nations had condemned Sterling for his across the board racism and recommended that his franchise be taken away from him and given to a blind women from Venice Beach who doesn’t appear to dislike anyone.

Sarah Palin Not Standing on her Laurels. Keeps Sounding Idiotic

Sarah Palin pointing to the emptiest vessel in the arena.

Sarah Palin pointing to the emptiest vessel in the arena.

Former GOP Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin addressed the NRA (National Retard Association) this weekend claiming that creating gun-free zones is “Stupid on steroids.” The suggestion that schools and other public buildings should be gun free did not appeal to the woman who once said she could see Russia from her house. “How are we to have anything to watch on the news if we do not have school shootings?”

“In Alaska we like our children armed and dangerous. How else will they learn that the more guns you have the better you are? And not that we have that many Jews in Alaska, but how can someone shoot up a Jewish community center if said center was a ‘Gun-Free Zone.'” Palin made goo-goo eyes and spun her finger at her head as she delivered her speech.

The crowd responded enthusiastically shouting, “You tell ’em, Inspector Grandelfini.” Apparently they did not know who was addressing them.

“If more Mama Grizzlies carried guns we’d be really fucked,” said Palin. “They’re dangerous enough already. But I do not deny their rights to pack heat. A cop is too heavy to carry, so let’s reduce him down to just his gun and carry that. Let’s forget that a cop is a trained individual who knows when not to use his gun just as much as he does when to use it. He’s just a gun.”

When asked what they thought of Palin’s comments, delegates at the convention said, “She summed up what everyone would have been thinking if any of us could in fact think. Guns are the most important thing in the world, more important than people, and Grandmaster Choolingus put it just so.”

Sarah Palin proved once again that she is among the stupidest people on the planet, and did so in spectacular fashion, leaving the NRA crowd drooling for more.

Russia no Threat to Ukraine, says Putin

Often mistaken for President Vladimir Putin, Lars Putin says everything is peachy in the Ukraine.

Often mistaken for President Vladimir Putin, Lars Putin says everything is peachy in the Ukraine.

Lars “I’m Not A Russian” Putin, a 53 year-old homeless manĀ from Hackensack, N.J., has gone on record saying that Russia poses no threat to the Ukraine. “They’re a great bunch of fellows, those Russians. They just had the Olympics and all that. How could they invade another country after hosting the biathlon?” he said. Asked if he was ever mistaken for Russian President Putin, Lars replied, “Yes it happens all the time. Once even his girlfriend made the mistake.”

Billy Vlilichec, whose distant relatives hailed from Ukraine, takes a contrary point of view.

Billy Vlilichec, whose distant relatives hailed from Ukraine, takes a contrary point of view.

On what authority did he make his statements? Lars says simply, “Look, I know people, OK? I can tell you that no Russian wants to do anything bad to the Ukraine. There’s no special amount of vodka there, the Russian Mafia has no interest in the place, so why bother?”

Fifth generation Ukrainian-American Billy Vilichec countered Putin’s statements saying, “It’s obvious that Russia wants the Ukraine for our fabulous Easter Eggs and bitchin’ home cooking. How much borsht can you eat before you want something new?” he asked.

“How did you get in here,” asked Putin, who thought he was being interviewed exclusively on this story.

“They said they wanted someone sane to comment,” replied Vilichec.

“I’ll give you sane. I’ll invade you so fast your head will spin,” Putin shouted.

The exchange went back and forth for several minutes before both men forgot what they were arguing about and agreed to share a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 that Putin had secreted in his coat. This issue remains unresolved and it appears that asking hobos to comment on world events may in fact NOT be the best course of action.