Lars “I’m Not A Russian” Putin, a 53 year-old homeless man from Hackensack, N.J., has gone on record saying that Russia poses no threat to the Ukraine. “They’re a great bunch of fellows, those Russians. They just had the Olympics and all that. How could they invade another country after hosting the biathlon?” he said. Asked if he was ever mistaken for Russian President Putin, Lars replied, “Yes it happens all the time. Once even his girlfriend made the mistake.”
On what authority did he make his statements? Lars says simply, “Look, I know people, OK? I can tell you that no Russian wants to do anything bad to the Ukraine. There’s no special amount of vodka there, the Russian Mafia has no interest in the place, so why bother?”
Fifth generation Ukrainian-American Billy Vilichec countered Putin’s statements saying, “It’s obvious that Russia wants the Ukraine for our fabulous Easter Eggs and bitchin’ home cooking. How much borsht can you eat before you want something new?” he asked.
“How did you get in here,” asked Putin, who thought he was being interviewed exclusively on this story.
“They said they wanted someone sane to comment,” replied Vilichec.
“I’ll give you sane. I’ll invade you so fast your head will spin,” Putin shouted.
The exchange went back and forth for several minutes before both men forgot what they were arguing about and agreed to share a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 that Putin had secreted in his coat. This issue remains unresolved and it appears that asking hobos to comment on world events may in fact NOT be the best course of action.