Condoleezza Rice Bails on Rutgers Commencement After Protests


In happier times when she did not risk getting rubbed out, Condy gives a speech.

In happier times when she did not risk getting rubbed out, Condy gives a speech.

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice backed out of a planned address at Rutgers University’s commencement ceremony following a week in which student protestors staged sits-in. Numerous faculty members also spoke out against the honor. Rice was scheduled to receive $35,000 for her speech and also snag a coveted Doctor of Letters from the New Jersey institution.  “You don’t mess with people in New Jersey,” said Rice. “Did you ever watch the Sopranos?”

Rice said she couldn’t risk getting whacked while delivering her $35 grand speech. “I’m an important persons and I just can’t run the risk of ending up sleeping with the fishes for the sake of a speech and a fake diploma. I can get a Doctor of Letters from the internet without having to risk my neck.”

When asked if she was over reacting to a group of students staging sit-ins, Rice replied, “Sure they’re sitting in, like at a nice restaurant, where you’re minding your business, then BAM, out of no where Nunzio the Knuckle Bonano shows up and shoots you in the face.”

Rice also stated she would not speak at the University of Nebraska because there were too many cows in the area. “I don’t trust them, with their big eyes and their mooing,” she said.

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