Archive for the ‘ Humor ’ Category

‘IF’: Possibly the Biggest Small Word There is!

Source: ‘IF’: Possibly the Biggest Small Word There is!

Another Chance to Learn from Mr. Science!

 

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brick-genericSince our first post with Mr. Science, we’ve received sevens of email questions, snail mail questions, and questions written using words cut out of magazines, glued onto napkins from Denny’s and tied to bricks, much like the one shown here, which were then thrown through our expensive plate glass windows. Out of excitement over the enthusiastic response, mixed with a healthy dose of fear, we’ve decided to answer a couple.

Dear Mr. Science,

My brother says babies come from the stork, but I believe they are the product of sexual reproduction. Who’s right?

Signed,
Precocious Three-Year-Old

Dear Precocious,

You’re both wrong. Babies come from Overstock.com.

Your Pal,
Mr. Science

Dear Mr. Science,

I recently watched a giraffe cam on the internet for, like, three months waiting for some stupid giraffe to have a baby before I gave up on the whole thing. Did she ever drop her kid or what?

Signed,
Bored With Giraffes Forever

Dear Bored,

I believe you’re referring to April the Giraffe, who thrilled millions with months of not having a baby. To answer your question, it all turned out very awkwardly, as she finally had to fess up to her alleged “baby-daddy” that the whole thing was a ploy to keep him from moving to Milwaukee. She had to return all the shower gifts as well.

Delivering the hard facts,
Mr. Science

And this final, brick-borne query:

Yo, Mr. Science,

If a train is traveling west at 75 mph, and another train is traveling east on the same track at 80 mph, how much money will you pay me to make sure you’re not tied to the tracks at the exact point where they meet in a fiery collision?

Signed,
Guido “The Knuckle-Breaker”

Dear Guido,

Mr. Science doesn’t live here anymore.

Signed,
Not Mr. Science, that’s for sure.

As Doctors See Benefits of Medical Marijuana Treatments for Seniors, Calls for Changes in Policy

SAT, MAR 11

Doctors across the country are calling for a re-think of current government policies, in terms of allowing medical research on medical cannabis, as elderly patients see dramatic results to treat pain.

Recently NBC News visited a “senior living facility” (i.e. reefer flop house), where correspondent Harry Smith interviewed 95-year-old Edith “Burner” Hepwilder. Below is an excerpt from the interview, which presents the unedited conversation, as opposed to what was shown on television:

old doobieHarry Smith: Do you feel any benefits from the medical marijuana?

Edith Hepwilder: It’s reduced my pain, and I’m more relaxed.

HS: I see, that’s very good. Have you noticed anything else?

EH: Yes. I’m hungry all the damn time. If there is a box of Bugles in the room, I need it in me. Immediately. Pizza too. Slab after greasy slab. You don’t have any on you, do ya?

HS: Um. No, but I could order some.

EH: Hell yeah. [Turns to orderly] Tyrone, lend a bitch your cell phone. [Hands phone to Harry]. Pies Guys is the best. Call them. Get the Deluxe. It will change your life.

[Harry gets on the phone, orders a pie, and returns the phone to orderly].

EH: We should blaze up before it gets here. [Reaches into knit bag hanging from her wheelchair and extracts a bong shaped like a snarling dragon]. This is Nidhogg. Don’t worry he doesn’t bite. [Lights bong, takes long, long hit, then passes it to Harry].

HS: Has anything else changed for you since you’ve begun your treatment?

EH: I listen to the Dead a lot more.

HS: The Grateful Dead?

EH: Day. And. Night. Every damn day. [Turns to orderly] Tyrone! My tunes! [Orderly points remote at the stereo. “Mars Hotel” begins playing.]

HS: Have you noticed any side effects at all?

EH: Not really, except I can smell colors now. Does that count?

HS: It might. I’m not a doctor.

EH: [Singing] I’m Uncle Sam, that’s who I am, been hiding out in a rock and roll band.

HS: Mrs. Hepwilder…

EH: Call me “Burner.” Everyone does. [Points to bong]. You gonna hit that? Otherwise, pass it back, Bogart.

HS: Burner, how do you feel about the federal restrictions on the use of marijuana.

EH: Fuck the man! Goddamn Nixon!

HS: Um, Mrs. Hep… Burner, Nixon’s been dead since 1994.

EH: Good! Goddamn narc punk bitch! He’d still be alive if he’d been hittin’ this! [Lights bong, takes even longer hit than the first time].

HS: So is it fair to say you favor less regulation?

EH: [Hear’s knock at the door] I favor some slabs! Tyrone! Pizza’s here!

HS: This is Harry Smith, reporting from Burner Hepwilder’s room.

 

There’s Things Goin’ On

This blog is old. I started it in 2014, and it’s now 2017. That’s four years, (I know, I thought that was wrong mathematically, but check it out: with posts in 2014, 2015, 2016 AND 2017 that’s four years). In internet years that’s something like 432 years. In fact, there is only one website on the internet that is older than Things To Laugh About, and that’s the transcript of the Proceedings of The Roman Forum, which dates to around 179 B.C., which is the year that Al Gore invented the internet.

Despite its advanced age, and it’s numerous sophomoric entries, I still love it. I like to come back every now and then and post something new just because it makes me feel like a kid again, (when I founded it in 2014 I was only six years old… this year I’m going to be 57… SCIENCE!)

But this post is a little different. Because in it I’m announcing some other places I’d like you to visit.

For you see, I’ve written a couple of books.

 

There is a book of short fiction called Welcome Home, and a novel called A Dark Clock. If you click on either of those links, you will be magically transported to Amazon.com, which is yet another website, not quite as old as mine, I think, but it’s nifty, and you can purchase the aforementioned books there. I wish that you would.

When you publish a book on Amazon.com, they allow you to create an author’s page. This I have done, and if you’d like to you can see that as well. To get there you need to go to S.J. Varengo’s Author Page,  which will also magically transport you if you click those prettily colored words.

In order to really talk about this writing stuff, I decided to put together my own website, dedicated to writing and writing accessories. It’s called S.J. Varengo – Author, a title that I spent a long time pondering. I finally went with it because it contains my name and my occupation, in case I ever forgot one or both and needed to be reminded. You may have already guessed this, but if you click on the highlighted words (they call it a “link,”) you’ll be taken to the website. Go, look around, have fun!

When you go to the site, you’ll want to sign up for my email mailing list. Why will you want to do this? Because these aren’t the droids you’re looking for. (Yes, I’m using Jedi mind tricks on you!) No, the real reason is that the list subscribers get the skinny on anything new and exciting before everyone else in the world even has an inkling that something might be happening. For example, is there a new book coming out in the future? Have I added a new feature to the website? Did I have beans for dinner again? The list subscribers know the answers to all of these questions, and you can too. In fact, because I am a benevolent overlord, I’ll let you click on this link, which will take you directly to the email signup page: Mailing List Signup. Do it! You won’t regret it much at all! [LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I WILL NOT SELL YOU INFORMATION TO ANYONE AT ANYTIME FOR ANY PURPOSE, OTHER THAN FOR MONEY. NO, WAIT, NOT EVEN FOR MONEY. MAYBE FOR A NICE JELLY DONUT. NO! NOT EVEN THEN.] 

Is this all that’s going on you ask? This is a lot of stuff to be going on. Surely this is everything that is going on.

WRONG. I also want to give you one more link. I’ve also been publishing my poetry online for a while now, and since I’m handing out links like Oprah giving away cars or houses or blue whales, here is the link to read some lovely poems.

OK, come on, you’re saying now. There couldn’t possibly be anymore.

Well for the time being, at least, there is not. Except for a visit from our mascot, the Things To Laugh About stoned puppy.

smiling dog

This dog has a better sense of humor than some of you!

Ask Mr. Science

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Q. Mr. Science, why does the moon look so much bigger when it is close to the horizon?
– Anonymous (Actual name  Anna Jean Lumpkin, E. Garfield Ave, Decater, IL)

A. I’m glad you asked that. So glad, in fact, that I’ve decided to answer you.When you look at ing-butternut-squash_sqlthe moon when it’s high in the sky, it appears to be roughly the size of a dime. When it is closer to the horizon, it appears to be closer to the size of a quarter. Ha, ha, ha. You’re ignorant! In reality it’s neither. The moon is actually the size of a regulation NBA basketball. It is also the color of a basketball, complete with the little lines and Adam Silver’s signature and stuff. (Forgive me for dropping that last word on you. I know it’s pretty technical.) But, here’s the kicker. It is not really shaped like a basketball, or a dime or a quarter. It is roughly the shape of a butternut squash. Fascinating, yes? Well you ain’t heard nothing yet because listen to this: it doesn’t taste like butternut squash! It actually tastes like a Jell-o Pudding Pop. Which unfortunately brings this butthole into the picture.pud-pops

But wait. Wasn’t there a question asked at some point? Oh yes. Why does the moon look bigger when it’s low in the sky.To find the answer, we need to do some simple mathematics.

brick-genericThe moon is approximately fifteen feet from the Earth. [citation needed]. When it is close to the horizon, it is actually a full foot and a half closer, because of the gravitational pull of Donald Trump’s hair. Try this experiment. Hold a brick a foot and a half from your face. Now, as fast as you can, smash the brick into your face. You will see stars, not the moon. This really doesn’t come into play with regard to the question. I just thought it would be funny if you did that.

Actually, if you had your eyes open as the brick approached your face, it may have appeared to be getting bigger right before things started hurting real bad. So there’s that. I guess it’s not totally unrelated after all. God, I’m a great scientist!

By the way, if you ask the Google this question, you may get a vastly different answer. That’s because “mainstream” science has an “agenda.” They want you to “learn” about things like the effect of the “atmosphere” on viewing “celestial” “bodies.” Don’t buy into this nonsense. Knowledge is rigged.

As it turns out, I have an agenda also. And according to my agenda it’s time for me to eat a Jell-o Pudding Pop. I hope it doesn’t lead me down a slippery slope.

Things We Do For Love

I love my wife. I truly do. I like to do things that make her happy. I like to do a little more than she expects, so that when she comes across the little thing I’ve done she’ll think, “He must really love me.”

And so today, I decided to iron the dust ruffle she has owned for a few years and never used, so that I could then put it on the bed and, you guessed it, surprise her pleasantly.

photo (13)

Evil, wrong, and ooooh so wrinkled. Curse you dust ruffle nation!

There’s the problem with that: ironing a dust ruffle is a hellish, evil task which takes a very long time to do. What’s more this particular dust ruffle has little pleats in it which I suppose was some black-hearted designer’s idea of a “nice touch.” I am hereby offering a hit contract on that designer. (I do not know his/her identity, so just go ahead and start taking them all out. You know, to be safe.)

I don’t know if my decision to iron this demon’s hanky was my first mistake. I think my first mistake may have been to allow myself to get sucked into the dust ruffle subculture in the first place. I mean, so what! Some dust get’s under the bed. Better there than, say, in my tuna sandwich. Let the dust have a party under there! Let it host the 2016 Dust Party National Convention. Anything is preferable to spending an hour fighting with each ungodly inch of this foul creation.

Alright, I’ll concede that there are only three sides to iron. The top is mercifully devoid of any visible protuberance. But three are like…three too many, in my opinion. If it weren’t for my corn chip and Coke breaks every fifteen seconds or so, I would have surely lost what little remains of my mind by now.

But I love my wife. (Did I mention that?) So I guess I’ll get off the computer and go tackle the remaining two sides. (Yes, I did all this whining after only de-wrinkling one panel). Because I love my wife.

Oh, and I love my wife.

**Sigh**

Man stands on top of his car on interstate, holding sign with apology on it

Daniel and his signs atop his car.

Daniel and his signs atop his car.

On Thursday night, a man named Daniel in Nashville, Tennessee came up with an idea. He headed over to his local Walmart and purchased a Sharpie and poster board. He then wrote on that poster board, “Lindsey Im [sic] sorry I LIED Please FORGIVE ME” As WKRN-TV Nashville reports, it was part of the young man’s plans to atone for his mistakes. The rest of his plan consisted of giving Lindsey $50, and taking her to a revival of “Psycho.”

He also had another sign which read, “Im [sic] also sorry for not using an apostrophe.” Daniel explained the apostrophe cost an extra 40 cents and he was trying to show financial responsibility to Lindsey.

Lindsey, for her part, said the gesture was “too little, too late. He should have thought of that before he told me he was prince of Persia.”

Daniel then pulled another sign out which read, “Im sorry that I borrowed your lady’s razor to shave my armpits.”

“I didn’t even know about that,” said Lindsey.

Yet another sign read, “Im sorry for all these signs. Its just that I didnt have any other way of expressing my sorrow for my actions and deeds. These deeds were done without the proper amount of thought and should never have occurred. I can only express my extreme sorrow and hope that I can be forgiven. And again Im sorry for the lack of apostrophes but 40 cents is 40 cents and lets be real, those little things add up.”

Daniel was eventually pulled down off his car by police and brought in for questioning. They later released him after taking away his posterboard and sharpies.