This Is Not Funny

So I’ve been thinking.

The Universe is big. Mind-bogglingly big. So big that it is really not possible to fully comprehend it. Unless maybe you’re Steven Hawking, and I’d be willing to bet even he realizes that the Universe is just ridiculously, obscenely big.

OK. So in all of that immensity there are lots of stars. Channeling Carl Sagan, I would go so far as to say there are billions and billions of them. And that’s oversimplifying it to an embarrassing degree. I’m not friends with any astronomers, so I don’t suppose anyone will hold me to task for that. But I digress.

Around those stars orbit planets. So many planets that I would be hard pressed to even make up a number to represent them. Maybe a trazazingajillion. Maybe more.  Maybe two trazazingajillion. And every day we’re learning more and more about many of them.

Every human being, alive or dead in July of 1969 is in this picture, save one - the photographer Michael Collins.
Every human being, alive or dead in July of 1969 is in this picture, save one – the photographer Michael Collins.

But for all that, there is only one (on which we can can say with certainty), that there is a precious, fragile gem. That gem is called life, and that planet is called Earth.

We live on paradise. Only Earth, as far as the best and brightest minds can say without doubt, harbors life. Cauliflower, amoebas, dogs, porcupines, stinkweed, naked mole-rats…and people. These things grow on the surface of this rare and tender place.

And of all these things, I can’t help but believe, it is the people that this vast Universe is most disappointed with. So much potential. So much actually achieved. So much more to do.

But forever, as far back as we can know, and as recently is this moment, we have invested unfathomable amounts of our existence … in butchering one another. We are simply incapable of living with one another without reaching out and killing each other.

And why? Because your skin looks different than mine. Because we believe in a different God. Or because I believe in God and you do not. Or because there is oil beneath your dirt and I want it. Or because today I decided that someone needed to die.

I know that there are many good people on our little blue ball. And these good people come from everywhere, look different from one another, and believe different things. But they see one another and think, “That person is just as worthy of his place here as I am, and I should accept him for what he is. My brother. My planetary cohabitant. Another version of me.”

We are all made of the same stuff: the remnants of long dead stars forged into living things. Think about that for a moment. The next person you see was once a brilliant, shining star, just as you were. Just as you both still are.

So how about we stop destroying our greatest resource – one another. Wake up. Be worthy of the gift the Universe has given you. Just stop.

All The Important, Real-Honest-to-Pete, Internet News

Breaking: NASA halloweensays that once again next year for the SECOND time in 666 years, Halloween will be on Friday the 13th. The last time this happened, (537 years ago…I think, or was it 666? Seems I heard something somewhere abturkeyout 666…anyway…) lots of bad stuff went down and my neighbor’s house was egged ridiculously and…werewolves, maybe??

In related news: A joint NASA/Costco study has shown that this year, for the first time in Six hundred sixty SEVEN years (HA! You thought I was going to say 666 again, didn’t you? HEY! This is science, bud. And great savings on your everyday needs by purchasing in bulk…anyway…) Thanksgiving will also fall on Friday the 13th.

And today we mourn the passing of Yvonne De Carlo, TV’s beloved Lilly Munster. Yvonne’s actually been dead since 2007, but people all suddenly feel bad because maybe she just…I don’t know…died or something?? Anyway here’s a picture of her in a sexy outfit.

Admit it, you'd totally do her while Herman watched.
Admit it, you’d totally do her while Herman watched.


In related news: Rest In Peace, Willie Nelson. Willie’s actually still alive but again, maybe something happened…like he’s, I don’t know…dead?? Like Lilly Munster?? Anyway, leave lots of condolences in the comment’s section, so people can see how incredibly stupid you are.

minionAlso: A picture of some Minions.


Finally: Kim Davis, Black Lives Matter…No All Lives Matter…That’s Racist…YOU’RE Racist!!, Donald Trump, Ben Carson, No, Hillary!!, and…I don’t know…they gays? Maybe?

[Dedicated to Stupid People Everywhere]

N.Y. school board president resigns after calling parent ‘chubby wubby’

NEW YORK (Reuters) – A school board president in a small upstate New York town has resigned after a video of him calling a parent “chubby wubby” at a meeting surfaced online, school officials said on Wednesday.

The Mahopac School District disclosed the resignation of former Board of Education President Raymond Cote in a statement on its website on Wednesday. Cote has withdrawn his candidacy from upcoming school board elections later this month, it added.

This is the chubby wubby Cote was talking about. Clearly he wasn't off the mark.
This is the chubby wubby Cote was talking about. Clearly he wasn’t off the mark.

“I would like to apologize for my choice of words after the close of the Board meeting on April 8, 2014, which are regretful,” Cote said in a statement on Tuesday. “My words were inappropriate and do not reflect my feelings or attitudes. I meant to say either ‘Fatty Watty” or ‘Big Ass Beula.'”

The video shows Cote saying into a live microphone, “This one here, chubby wubby, she gets fatter and fatter at every meeting. She really does.” Cote said of his comment, “I really downplayed just how fat this bitch really is and for that I am sorry.”

Earlier this year, Cote was involved in a diversity and sensitivity initiative launched in response to a racial controversy following a tense Mahopac High School playoff basketball game. In all fairness he skipped the sensitivity section.

Mahopac sits about 50 miles north of New York City, home of rudeness and comments about fat people.

Cote is an attorney who graduated from the Pace University School of Law and is a special education parent and advocate, according to the school district’s website. He was publicly elected to serve as the board president in May 2011 for a three-year term. The electoral body was actually full of chubby wubbies.

Bolivia mayor apologizes for grabbing woman on TV

Bolivian mayor is way off in attempting to grab reporter's boob.
Bolivian mayor is way off in attempting to grab reporter’s boob.

LA PAZ, Bolivia (AP) — The mayor of Bolivia’s largest city has had to make a televised apology after grabbing the thigh of a woman during a broadcast event.

Santa Cruz Mayor Percy Fernandez appeared on television Monday night to express “anguish for this mess that’s been created.” He said he had not intended to offend journalist Mercedes Guzman, “nor have I done so.” He did not specifically apologize for touching her. “I apologize for not grabbing her boob, which is what I intended to do.”

Television images show Guzman holding a microphone in one hand and struggling to lift the mayor’s hand from her thigh with the other during a public appearance last week. “I was disgusted by his fat, greasy sausage fingers all over my silky thigh,” said Guzman.

“She loved it,” countered Fernandez.

Several legislators, journalists’ organizations and women’s rights activists denounced the 75-year-old mayor and Guzman’s husband Marco Antonio Espindola threatened to bring a legal complaint if the mayor did not apologize.

“Even the schoolmates of my son in primary school heard about this event and my adolescent son had to put up with uncomfortable questions at his school,” Espindola said. “It shamed my family.” Questions such as “Why is your mommy such a whore,” were tossed at the young Espindola boy.

While Guzman’s family has not presented a criminal complaint, opposition legislator Marcela Revollo Fernandez on Monday filed a complaint in the nation’s capital, La Paz, accusing the mayor of sexual harassment, sexual violence and discrimination,” charges that potentially would lead to as many as four years in prison. “For grabbing a chippie?” Fernandez asked. “That’s ridiculous. I didn’t even get boob like I wanted.”

Fernandez has been mayor of the city of more than 1 million several times and has lately supported President Evo Morales, who in February called him the country’s best mayor. “Nobody grabs women like Fernandez does,” said Morales.

Thousands of Calif. inmates refuse food in protest; Cuisine “Deplorable.”

Andrew "Needles" McNutt: "Would an occasional lobster kill ya, California?"

A group of inmates in a high-security California prison have started a hunger strike to protest their near-solitary confinement. “Also the food is simply atrocious,” says Andrew “Needles” McMutt, a California prisoner. Since the protest began on July 1, it has spread to thousands of inmates throughout the state prison system.

At its peak, 6,600 prisoners in 11 prisons were refusing food, but officials told the New York Times that number was down to 1,700 yesterday. “They served a passable foie gras,” said McMutt explaining the large drop off in protestors.

This foie gras may have saved thousands of inmates who started eating again when it was served.

A handful of inmates who live in Pelican Bay State Prison’s windowless, sound-proof 6-foot-by-10-foot isolation cells say they are ready to remain on the hunger strike until they die, or until officials at the facility agree to their demands. “All we want is a little haute cuisine. Just because we’re murderers and rapists we don’t get to have fine food?”  Gang members in the prison are often placed in the isolation wing so they can’t influence the rest of the inmate population. Once they’re sequestered in the high-security cells, the gang members are asked to turn over information on other gang members, in a procedure called “debriefing.”  They are also asked to surrender all copies of Bon Apetite magazine which may be in their possession. The prisoners say they want debriefing to end, and they also want an end to long-term solitary confinement. “And we want our damn Bon Apetites back,” said Larry “Babypuncher” Albertson.

The Supreme Court ruled in May that California’s prisons are so overcrowded and the lack of caviar is so complete that they violate inmates’ constitutional protections against cruel and unusual punishment. Inadequate medical care produced “needless suffering and death,” the justices said. The court ordered the system to shed one-fourth of its prisoner population over the next two years and to hire some chef who “at least have French sounding names.”

Two Things you Need to Know About Women

While trolling through Twitter this early morning I saw something posted by Alyssa Milano about 10 Things you Need To Know About a Woman’s Brain. These included:

  • She changes every day based on her cycle
  • She is really intuitive, though not magic
  • She responds to pain and anxiety differently
She's a psycho killer.

And so on. The list of ten things ranged from the painfully obvious to the experientially untrue. But here at Things To Laugh About we like to simplify, so we’ve reduced the list to TWO things you need to know about women.

1. She is Crazy

2. She wants to kill you

Once you get that figured out you can cautiously proceed through life like a rabbit in a minefield. This may sound grim, but remember, according to a recent TTLA study, one out of every 250 rabbits gets through the minefield unharmed. OK, those aren’t great odds. I’m not your bookie, I’m your humor writer. You want good odds? Build a time machine, go back a couple of weeks and bet the farm on the Dallas Mavericks.  We’re dealing with women here. All bets are off.

If, however, you keep our two tenants in mind you can get through this thing called life. Simply hide everything sharp, sell any firearms you may own, flush anything poisonous down the toilet and maybe get some restraints for night time. Tell her you just want to get kinky.  It could work.

But if all else fails and you find yourself running for your life, just remember that we warned you, so don’t come crying to us.

10 Facts

Malaysian women urge wives to be ‘whores in bed’

Newly wed couple in Malaysia. The "John" on the left listens as the "whore" on the right runs down her "sex menu" and the price list.

KUALA LUMPUR (TTLA) – A group of Malaysian women launched an “Obedient Wife Club” on Saturday, urging members to be “whores in bed” and obey their husbands to curb social ills like divorce and domestic violence.

Islamic group Global Ikhwan held the club’s inaugural meeting in Kuala Lumpur, giving women tips on how to keep their men satisfied and prevent them straying. Six women attended, four of whom threw rotten cabbage at the speaker.

“A good wife is perceived to be prim and proper — you just take care of the children — but not much is emphasised on fulfilling sexual needs of the husband. If he needs sex, obey him,” Rohaya Mohamad, the club’s vice-president told a Things To Laugh About reporter.

Rohaya said 30 percent of the club members were in polygamous marriages while the rest were in monogamous relationships and that the club was open to non-Muslims, mainly because even Muslim women this she is a crackpot.

“You must satisfy your husband. A good wife should be a whore in bed,” said 46-year-old doctor, whose husband has three other wives. The three other wives declined to comment, but waited for Rohaya to finish her interview, brandishing clubs and black-jacks as they did so.

The club has come under criticism from Malaysian women’s groups who say the onus on keeping a family together is being unfairly placed on women.

“With obedience comes submission, which may lead to domestic violence and marital rape,” Women’s Aid Organisation head Ivy Josiah told TTLA.  “The only way this girl is going to be a whore in bed is to turn to my husband after sex and tell him ‘That’ll be fifty bucks, sucker.'”

In a related story, Global Ikhwan has already been listed in the Guiness Book of World Records as “Least Popular Group in the World,” supplanting former record holder, “Jews for Hitler.”

Yahoo News