Since our first post with Mr. Science, we’ve received sevens of email questions, snail mail questions, and questions written using words cut out of magazines, glued onto napkins from Denny’s and tied to bricks, much like the one shown here, which were then thrown through our expensive plate glass windows. Out of excitement over the enthusiastic response, mixed with a healthy dose of fear, we’ve decided to answer a couple.
Dear Mr. Science,
My brother says babies come from the stork, but I believe they are the product of sexual reproduction. Who’s right?
You’re both wrong. Babies come from Overstock.com.
Dear Mr. Science,
I recently watched a giraffe cam on the internet for, like, three months waiting for some stupid giraffe to have a baby before I gave up on the whole thing. Did she ever drop her kid or what?
Bored With Giraffes Forever
I believe you’re referring to April the Giraffe, who thrilled millions with months of not having a baby. To answer your question, it all turned out very awkwardly, as she finally had to fess up to her alleged “baby-daddy” that the whole thing was a ploy to keep him from moving to Milwaukee. She had to return all the shower gifts as well.
Delivering the hard facts,
And this final, brick-borne query:
Yo, Mr. Science,
If a train is traveling west at 75 mph, and another train is traveling east on the same track at 80 mph, how much money will you pay me to make sure you’re not tied to the tracks at the exact point where they meet in a fiery collision?
Q. Mr. Science, why does the moon look so much bigger when it is close to the horizon?
– Anonymous (Actual name Anna Jean Lumpkin, E. Garfield Ave, Decater, IL)
A. I’m glad you asked that. So glad, in fact, that I’ve decided to answer you.When you look at the moon when it’s high in the sky, it appears to be roughly the size of a dime. When it is closer to the horizon, it appears to be closer to the size of a quarter. Ha, ha, ha. You’re ignorant! In reality it’s neither. The moon is actually the size of a regulation NBA basketball. It is also the color of a basketball, complete with the little lines and Adam Silver’s signature and stuff. (Forgive me for dropping that last word on you. I know it’s pretty technical.) But, here’s the kicker. It is not really shaped like a basketball, or a dime or a quarter. It is roughly the shape of a butternut squash. Fascinating, yes? Well you ain’t heard nothing yet because listen to this: it doesn’t taste like butternut squash! It actually tastes like a Jell-o Pudding Pop. Which unfortunately brings this butthole into the picture.
But wait. Wasn’t there a question asked at some point? Oh yes. Why does the moon look bigger when it’s low in the sky.To find the answer, we need to do some simple mathematics.
The moon is approximately fifteen feet from the Earth. . When it is close to the horizon, it is actually a full foot and a half closer, because of the gravitational pull of Donald Trump’s hair. Try this experiment. Hold a brick a foot and a half from your face. Now, as fast as you can, smash the brick into your face. You will see stars, not the moon. This really doesn’t come into play with regard to the question. I just thought it would be funny if you did that.
Actually, if you had your eyes open as the brick approached your face, it may have appeared to be getting bigger right before things started hurting real bad. So there’s that. I guess it’s not totally unrelated after all. God, I’m a great scientist!
By the way, if you ask the Google this question, you may get a vastly different answer. That’s because “mainstream” science has an “agenda.” They want you to “learn” about things like the effect of the “atmosphere” on viewing “celestial” “bodies.” Don’t buy into this nonsense. Knowledge is rigged.
As it turns out, I have an agenda also. And according to my agenda it’s time for me to eat a Jell-o Pudding Pop. I hope it doesn’t lead me down a slippery slope.
Breaking: NASA says that once again next year for the SECOND time in 666 years, Halloween will be on Friday the 13th. The last time this happened, (537 years ago…I think, or was it 666? Seems I heard something somewhere about 666…anyway…) lots of bad stuff went down and my neighbor’s house was egged ridiculously and…werewolves, maybe??
In related news: A joint NASA/Costco study has shown that this year, for the first time in Six hundred sixty SEVEN years (HA! You thought I was going to say 666 again, didn’t you? HEY! This is science, bud. And great savings on your everyday needs by purchasing in bulk…anyway…) Thanksgiving will also fall on Friday the 13th.
And today we mourn the passing of Yvonne De Carlo, TV’s beloved Lilly Munster. Yvonne’s actually been dead since 2007, but people all suddenly feel bad because maybe she just…I don’t know…died or something?? Anyway here’s a picture of her in a sexy outfit.
In related news: Rest In Peace, Willie Nelson. Willie’s actually still alive but again, maybe something happened…like he’s, I don’t know…dead?? Like Lilly Munster?? Anyway, leave lots of condolences in the comment’s section, so people can see how incredibly stupid you are.
Also: A picture of some Minions.
Finally: Kim Davis, Black Lives Matter…No All Lives Matter…That’s Racist…YOU’RE Racist!!, Donald Trump, Ben Carson, No, Hillary!!, and…I don’t know…they gays? Maybe?
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) — More than 500 barrels of waste from Los Alamos National Laboratory were packed with the kitty litter linked to a radiation release at the government’s underground nuclear waste dump, prompting the state Tuesday to order federal officials to move quickly to seal off the potentially dangerous containers. “It wasn’t even good kitty litter, it was that light kind that people throw around to each other. How’s that going to stop contamination?” asked Bart Dunlippy of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
Environment Secretary Ryan Flynn Tuesday gave the U.S. Department of Energy and the contractor that runs the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant in southeastern New Mexico until Friday to detail plans for permanently sealing the rooms where more than 300 barrels of the potentially dangerous containers of waste are stored in ancient salt beds a half-mile underground. This provides a real hardship for the ancient salt people who sleep in those ancient salt beds.
In addition to 368 containers at the dump, environment officials say 57 more are still at Los Alamos and more than 100 are in storage in West Texas. “The ones in West Texas are bigger,” said Tulula Bonafacio a resident of West Texas. “Everything’s bigger in Texas,” she said.
On Monday, the department ordered Los Alamos to detail by Wednesday its plans for securing the waste that is still above ground on its campus and at Waste Control Specialists in Andrews, Texas. Los Alamos immediately replied that they would switch to clumping litter in the future. “We want it to be both safe and easy to keep cleaned out,” said spokesperson Lyle Lugudie.
OKLAHOMA CITY (Reuters) – Oklahoma inmate Clayton Lockett died during a botched execution on Tuesday, minutes after a doctor had called a halt to the procedure, raising more questions about new death penalty cocktails used by the state and others. Dr. Bodie O. Dough said, “I first tried a Mai Thai, then a Singapore Sling, finally settling on a Sex On The Beach.” It was apparent that the doctor completely misunderstood the meaning of “cocktail” in this case.
Lockett died of an apparent massive heart attack about 40 minutes after the procedure started, he said. “We were very grateful that he saw fit to complete the job that we had a tidge of difficulty with.”
The troubled execution was expected to have national implications, with lawyers for death row inmates having argued that new lethal injection cocktails used in Oklahoma and other states could cause undue suffering and violate constitutional protections against cruel and unusual punishment.
“This could be a real turning point in the whole debate as people get disgusted by this sort of thing,” said Richard Dieter, the executive director of the Death Penalty Information Center, which monitors capital punishment. “I guess the act of hiring doctors who worked their way through med school as bartenders is not a good idea. Someone should tell Oklahoma that it could cause confusion with wide reaching implications.”
NEW YORK (Reuters) – The U.S. government has sued a former NASA astronaut to recover a camera used to explore the moon’s surface during the 1971 Apollo 14 mission after seeing it slated for sale in a New York auction.
The lawsuit, filed in Miami federal court on Wednesday, accuses Edgar Mitchell of illegally possessing the camera and attempting to sell it for profit. The suit goes on to say that Mitchell is offering the moon itself to anyone who can pony up the $4.5 billion asking price.
In March, NASA learned that the British auction house Bonhams was planning to sell the camera at an upcoming Space History Sale, according to the suit. “We are also offering several pounds of space garbage including the nameplate from the original Sputnik satellite, which now reads simply ‘Sputn.'” Makers of Sesame Street claim this is actually the nameplate from the dressing room door of Mr. Snuffleupagus, who was originally known as Mr. Sputnikupalous, named after a Greek bartender on Caraway Street, on block away from Sesame Street. (Sputnikupalous settled his suit with Sesame Street out of court in 1979.)
The item was labeled “Movie Camera from the Lunar Surface” and billed as one of two cameras from the Apollo 14’s lunar module Antares. The lot description said the item came “directly from the collection” of pilot Edgar Mitchell and had a pre-sale estimate of $60,000 to $80,000, the suit said. The lot description went on to say that Mitchell “stripped that bitch like a Beemer in a Mexicali chopshop,” in order to obtain the camera.
Mitchell was a lunar module pilot on Apollo 14, which launched its nine-day mission in 1971 under the command of Alan Shepard. The sixth person to walk on the moon, Mitchell is now retired and runs a website selling his autographed picture. He shares the site with Santiva, the horse which finished sixth in the Kentucky derby. The horse’s autographed picture outsells Mitchell’s 4 to 1.
He has made headlines in the past for his stated belief in the existence of extraterrestrial life. “Go ahead,” Mitchell has said, “explain Michael Jackson some other way!”
“All equipment and property used during NASA operations remains the property of NASA unless explicitly released or transferred to another party,” the government suit said, adding NASA had no record of the camera being given to Mitchell. “We do have record of him working a socket wrench like a madman to yank the camera off the LM, however,” NASA Spokesman Rod Ripenzi said.
The suit said the government had made repeated requests to Mitchell and his lawyer to return the camera but received no response.
Mitchell’s lawyer, Donald Shiemshifter, said NASA management was aware of and approved Mitchell’s ownership of the camera 40 years ago. “After they saw the video of him stealing…excuse me, removing the camera from the LM, the bigwigs at NASA all said, ‘You know, since he worked so hard to rip off…er, recover the camera…why not let him keep it.’ I’m pretty sure someone may have almost said that,” Shiemshifter said.
Bonhams said in an emailed statement that the camera had been slated to be auctioned off in May when it learned about the ownership dispute from NASA. The auction house withdrew the camera from sale “pending further discussion between NASA and the consignor,” a.k.a Ed ‘The Nutjob’ Mitchell” a Bonhams spokesperson said.
The government is asking the court to stop Mitchell from selling the camera to anyone, to order its return and to declare that the United States has “good, clean and exclusive title” to the camera. They would also like him slapped in looney-chains and put far, far away from the public eye. “We’re having enough trouble without former heroes going all Charlie Sheen on us.”
As if those effected by tornadoes across the country haven’t had enough problems, it has been reported that many are now facing a deadly fungus of an unknown origin.
Survivor Jody Furstenboogie was photographed Thursday after several days of relief work in tornado torn regions. “I was just running a bulldozer, pushing around some former domiciles, when I heard a whistling and a ‘SMACK’ sound from behind me. I turned around and seent this glowin’ rock, which I immediately hopped down, picked up, and rubbed all over my face. Then, a day or so later, I noticed this fungus growing all over me. I don’t think the two are related,” Jody said.
Scientists already studying the meteorological phenomena in the region, quickly switched their specialties and began studying Jody’s fuzzy face instead. Dr. Larry Babyspanker reported his initial findings to TTLA reporters. “If you scrape some off Jody’s face he says ‘Ouch.’ We think this may be significant. If you simply grab some and yank it off, Jody says ‘Ow,” and if you cut some off with a pair of rusty scissors he yells ‘Yowie!’ All of this must mean something.” Asked if they’ve gathered any data on the nature of the fungus, Dr. Babyspanker said, “No, not a single thing.”
“I’ve always dreamed of being written about in a humor blog,” Furstenboogie told reporters, “but I’d always hoped if would have been for texting a picture of my penis or something like that. This, I would have to say, blows.”
Jody’s wife, Felicia Lynn Furstenboogie, says of Jody’s transformation, “It doesn’t really effect me any. I already wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole.” When asked why she replied, “He doesn’t look much better underneath all that fuzz. I only married him for his bulldozer.”
Several of the survivors in the area have also shown signs of the fungus growing on their hands and genitals. One farmer has also reported it on the hind-section of several of his cows. As his eyes shifted from side to side he added, “I have no idea how it could have spread to them.”
President Obama has declared the area a “Funky Disaster Area,” and has order several crates of Lamisil, Lotrimin, Desenex, and some Monistat 3 sent in via air drop.