Three Year-End Ponderings

I’m not sure if anyone’s told you, but there are only a few days left in 2017. This is, generally, the time of year when your various news and entertainment venues like to present you with looks back on the year that was. But we at TTLA have more respect for you than that. We think you already know what happened in the past year. You were there, for crying out loud!

So instead we thought we’d yield our year-end summation time to CNN, and FOX News, so that they can tell you what you already know from the exact opposite point of view, and instead ponder some important issues, issues that are timeless, and not at all dependent upon a year coming to a close.

Let’s start with an item that should resonate with people who live in the little town of my birth, New York City.

The Tri-State Area

00Tri-State_Area_mapI don’t know if anyone other than advertisers really think of this little slice of heaven as being part of the “Tri-State Area.” But if you watch any of the New York-based television stations, specifically sports-related channels, you will see ads for your Tri-State Honda dealer. You’ll get to know about the best brick-face and stucco contractor in the Tri-State area. And you’ll learn that your Republican elected official is ranked #1 among givers of unwelcomed vagina gropings in the Tri-State region.

Yes, all of this will be familiar to fans of the Knicks, Nets, Rangers, Islanders, Mets, and Yankees. But here’s a little-known fact that not even most people in Metro New York and Northern New Jersey are aware of. The third state in the Tri-State area is not actually a state at all. It is, in fact, war-torn Bosnia.

Bananas

00mathers_frecklesCan anyone explain to me the fact that no matter how green your bunch of bananas is when you purchase them at your neighborhood grocers, by the time you get them home their skin already has more freckles on it than little nine-year-old Jerry Mathers face?

You intentionally buy them in a state that appears to be months from being edible and after a fifteen-minute drive home, they are good for little more than making muffins or perhaps giving to your pet capuchin monkey, Sir Reginald.

On a related note has anyone ever said anything funnier than little 42-year-old Barbara Billingsly, when, with a deadpan expression she spoke these words into a 1950’s era telephone handset: “Ward, you need to come home right away. There’s something wrong with the Beaver.”

And they say television today is racy!

And Finally… Science Fiction

Scientists will tell you, and if you don’t stop them they will keep telling you, that space is a really big place. It is enormously, mind-bogglingly huge. Imagine the biggest thing you can think of, say Alaska or perhaps your Aunt Phyllis. Space is way bigger than that, even on those days when Aunt Phyllis is feeling bloated.

galactic_mashupWhat’s more, even though space is filled with billions of galaxies, which are in turn filled with billions of stars, around which most likely there are billions of planets, the distance between all this crap is brain-bashingly gargantuan. Everything is so far apart that in the distant future when our galaxy, depressingly called the Milky Way, (seriously? No wonder the other galaxies mock us), and our closest galactic neighbor, the Great Spiral Andromeda, (now there’s a cool galaxy name. I bet the girl galaxies all sigh when they think that maybe Andromeda looked at them at the pep rally), collide…

Wait. Did he just say our nerd galaxy is going to collide with the popular galaxy? Yes. Yes, he did. But don’t freak. Because everything is so cerebellum-mooshingly far from everything else, almost nothing will actually collide with anything. You’ll be fine! You’ll have been dead for 3.75 billion years, but aside from that, you won’t notice anything untoward. If your long-returned-to-dust head still had hair on it you wouldn’t even feel it get messed up. Certainly not like when Aunt Phyllis is around, that big old fat hair-messing bitch.

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They also probably won’t look even this much like us. Most scientists agree we can’t probably even conceive their form because it will be so, well… alien.

So if everything is so far apart that there are stars we are looking at in the sky whose light left there a billion years ago and is just now reaching us, and if light is the fastest thing we know of, faster even than you heading out the back door as Aunt Phyllis waddles in through the front door, then how long would it take for an alien from a planet orbiting around that star to get to us?

It is impossible to travel at or above the speed of light. Unless you’re light, which you are not, and neither is E.T. Therefore the likelihood of extraterrestrial beings of reaching the Earth is pretty much zilch. I’m not saying they’re not out there. I’m just saying they’re not coming here. Especially not if they find out about Aunt You-Know-Who.

lLxCoWMHaving said all that, I love science-fiction. I love to read it, I love to write it, I love to watch the movies, and if it was a casserole, I’d even love to eat it.

It’s just not real, folks. So stop the nonsense. No one is being abducted, nor have they ever been. Anuses are being probed, but not by aliens… unless you count your proctologist from Bombay. Nothing was built by ancient aliens, except maybe that dude’s hair. (Because there is only one other explanation for hair that messed-up, and that would be Aunt Phyllis. And even that seems beyond the boundaries of plausibility.) No spaceships are going to blow up the White House, no matter how much I implore. Crop circles are formed by wise-ass kids, not Uncle Martin, wonderfully played by Ray Walston. Stonehenge was built by very intelligent people a long time ago with no help from the Great Gazoo, (which happens to be the title of a really great science-fiction story by S.J. Varengo, featured in his book Welcome Home. You should read it.)

 

In Summary…

I hope you’ve enjoyed these crucial ponderings, and have maybe had your eyes opened, ever so slightly, to the wonders of our world, and of the universe. And remember, we’ll be back in 2018 to bring you more intelligent humor… gack… cough…

Sorry. Choked a little bit there on the word “intelligent.” Occupational hazard.

But for real…

Happy-New-Year-Beautiful-Photo

Another Chance to Learn from Mr. Science!

 

paul_science

brick-genericSince our first post with Mr. Science, we’ve received sevens of email questions, snail mail questions, and questions written using words cut out of magazines, glued onto napkins from Denny’s and tied to bricks, much like the one shown here, which were then thrown through our expensive plate glass windows. Out of excitement over the enthusiastic response, mixed with a healthy dose of fear, we’ve decided to answer a couple.

Dear Mr. Science,

My brother says babies come from the stork, but I believe they are the product of sexual reproduction. Who’s right?

Signed,
Precocious Three-Year-Old

Dear Precocious,

You’re both wrong. Babies come from Overstock.com.

Your Pal,
Mr. Science

Dear Mr. Science,

I recently watched a giraffe cam on the internet for, like, three months waiting for some stupid giraffe to have a baby before I gave up on the whole thing. Did she ever drop her kid or what?

Signed,
Bored With Giraffes Forever

Dear Bored,

I believe you’re referring to April the Giraffe, who thrilled millions with months of not having a baby. To answer your question, it all turned out very awkwardly, as she finally had to fess up to her alleged “baby-daddy” that the whole thing was a ploy to keep him from moving to Milwaukee. She had to return all the shower gifts as well.

Delivering the hard facts,
Mr. Science

And this final, brick-borne query:

Yo, Mr. Science,

If a train is traveling west at 75 mph, and another train is traveling east on the same track at 80 mph, how much money will you pay me to make sure you’re not tied to the tracks at the exact point where they meet in a fiery collision?

Signed,
Guido “The Knuckle-Breaker”

Dear Guido,

Mr. Science doesn’t live here anymore.

Signed,
Not Mr. Science, that’s for sure.

Ask Mr. Science

paul_science

Q. Mr. Science, why does the moon look so much bigger when it is close to the horizon?
– Anonymous (Actual name  Anna Jean Lumpkin, E. Garfield Ave, Decater, IL)

A. I’m glad you asked that. So glad, in fact, that I’ve decided to answer you.When you look at ing-butternut-squash_sqlthe moon when it’s high in the sky, it appears to be roughly the size of a dime. When it is closer to the horizon, it appears to be closer to the size of a quarter. Ha, ha, ha. You’re ignorant! In reality it’s neither. The moon is actually the size of a regulation NBA basketball. It is also the color of a basketball, complete with the little lines and Adam Silver’s signature and stuff. (Forgive me for dropping that last word on you. I know it’s pretty technical.) But, here’s the kicker. It is not really shaped like a basketball, or a dime or a quarter. It is roughly the shape of a butternut squash. Fascinating, yes? Well you ain’t heard nothing yet because listen to this: it doesn’t taste like butternut squash! It actually tastes like a Jell-o Pudding Pop. Which unfortunately brings this butthole into the picture.pud-pops

But wait. Wasn’t there a question asked at some point? Oh yes. Why does the moon look bigger when it’s low in the sky.To find the answer, we need to do some simple mathematics.

brick-genericThe moon is approximately fifteen feet from the Earth. [citation needed]. When it is close to the horizon, it is actually a full foot and a half closer, because of the gravitational pull of Donald Trump’s hair. Try this experiment. Hold a brick a foot and a half from your face. Now, as fast as you can, smash the brick into your face. You will see stars, not the moon. This really doesn’t come into play with regard to the question. I just thought it would be funny if you did that.

Actually, if you had your eyes open as the brick approached your face, it may have appeared to be getting bigger right before things started hurting real bad. So there’s that. I guess it’s not totally unrelated after all. God, I’m a great scientist!

By the way, if you ask the Google this question, you may get a vastly different answer. That’s because “mainstream” science has an “agenda.” They want you to “learn” about things like the effect of the “atmosphere” on viewing “celestial” “bodies.” Don’t buy into this nonsense. Knowledge is rigged.

As it turns out, I have an agenda also. And according to my agenda it’s time for me to eat a Jell-o Pudding Pop. I hope it doesn’t lead me down a slippery slope.

All The Important, Real-Honest-to-Pete, Internet News

Breaking: NASA halloweensays that once again next year for the SECOND time in 666 years, Halloween will be on Friday the 13th. The last time this happened, (537 years ago…I think, or was it 666? Seems I heard something somewhere abturkeyout 666…anyway…) lots of bad stuff went down and my neighbor’s house was egged ridiculously and…werewolves, maybe??

In related news: A joint NASA/Costco study has shown that this year, for the first time in Six hundred sixty SEVEN years (HA! You thought I was going to say 666 again, didn’t you? HEY! This is science, bud. And great savings on your everyday needs by purchasing in bulk…anyway…) Thanksgiving will also fall on Friday the 13th.

And today we mourn the passing of Yvonne De Carlo, TV’s beloved Lilly Munster. Yvonne’s actually been dead since 2007, but people all suddenly feel bad because maybe she just…I don’t know…died or something?? Anyway here’s a picture of her in a sexy outfit.

Admit it, you'd totally do her while Herman watched.
Admit it, you’d totally do her while Herman watched.

 

In related news: Rest In Peace, Willie Nelson. Willie’s actually still alive but again, maybe something happened…like he’s, I don’t know…dead?? Like Lilly Munster?? Anyway, leave lots of condolences in the comment’s section, so people can see how incredibly stupid you are.

minionAlso: A picture of some Minions.

 

Finally: Kim Davis, Black Lives Matter…No All Lives Matter…That’s Racist…YOU’RE Racist!!, Donald Trump, Ben Carson, No, Hillary!!, and…I don’t know…they gays? Maybe?

[Dedicated to Stupid People Everywhere]

New Mexico: 500 barrels of questionable nuke waste packed with kitty litter

 

Unfortunate kitty is trapped with tons of nuclear waste and litter.
Unfortunate kitty is trapped with tons of nuclear waste and litter.

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) — More than 500 barrels of waste from Los Alamos National Laboratory were packed with the kitty litter linked to a radiation release at the government’s underground nuclear waste dump, prompting the state Tuesday to order federal officials to move quickly to seal off the potentially dangerous containers. “It wasn’t even good kitty litter, it was that light kind that people throw around to each other. How’s that going to stop contamination?” asked Bart Dunlippy of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

Environment Secretary Ryan Flynn Tuesday gave the U.S. Department of Energy and the contractor that runs the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant in southeastern New Mexico until Friday to detail plans for permanently sealing the rooms where more than 300 barrels of the potentially dangerous containers of waste are stored in ancient salt beds a half-mile underground. This provides a real hardship for the ancient salt people who sleep in those ancient salt beds.

In addition to 368 containers at the dump, environment officials say 57 more are still at Los Alamos and more than 100 are in storage in West Texas. “The ones in West Texas are bigger,” said Tulula Bonafacio a resident of West Texas. “Everything’s bigger in Texas,” she said.

On Monday, the department ordered Los Alamos to detail by Wednesday its plans for securing the waste that is still above ground on its campus and at Waste Control Specialists in Andrews, Texas. Los Alamos immediately replied that they would switch to clumping litter in the future. “We want it to be both safe and easy to keep cleaned out,” said spokesperson Lyle Lugudie.

Oklahoma Misunderstands Lethal Injection Cocktail

 

This happy fellow had to complete his own execution when Oklahoma doctors botched the job.
This happy fellow had to complete his own execution when Oklahoma doctors botched the job.

OKLAHOMA CITY (Reuters) – Oklahoma inmate Clayton Lockett died during a botched execution on Tuesday, minutes after a doctor had called a halt to the procedure, raising more questions about new death penalty cocktails used by the state and others. Dr. Bodie O. Dough said, “I first tried a Mai Thai, then a Singapore Sling, finally settling on a Sex On The Beach.” It was apparent that the doctor completely misunderstood the meaning of “cocktail” in this case.

Lockett died of an apparent massive heart attack about 40 minutes after the procedure started, he said. “We were very grateful that he saw fit to complete the job that we had a tidge of difficulty with.”

The troubled execution was expected to have national implications, with lawyers for death row inmates having argued that new lethal injection cocktails used in Oklahoma and other states could cause undue suffering and violate constitutional protections against cruel and unusual punishment.

“This could be a real turning point in the whole debate as people get disgusted by this sort of thing,” said Richard Dieter, the executive director of the Death Penalty Information Center, which monitors capital punishment. “I guess the act of hiring doctors who worked their way through med school as bartenders is not a good idea. Someone should tell Oklahoma that it could cause confusion with wide reaching implications.”

Government Forced To Sue Apollo Astronaught To Get Back Their Shit

NEW YORK (Reuters) – The U.S. government has sued a former NASA astronaut to recover a camera used to explore the moon’s surface during the 1971 Apollo 14 mission after seeing it slated for sale in a New York auction.

Ed Mitchell would like to sell this to you for a cool $4.5 billion!

The lawsuit, filed in Miami federal court on Wednesday, accuses Edgar Mitchell of illegally possessing the camera and attempting to sell it for profit. The suit goes on to say that Mitchell is offering the moon itself to anyone who can pony up the $4.5 billion asking price.

In March, NASA learned that the British auction house Bonhams was planning to sell the camera at an upcoming Space History Sale, according to the suit. “We are also offering several pounds of space garbage including the nameplate from the original Sputnik satellite, which now reads simply ‘Sputn.'” Makers of Sesame Street claim this is actually the nameplate from the dressing room door of Mr. Snuffleupagus, who was originally known as Mr. Sputnikupalous, named after a Greek bartender on Caraway Street, on block away from Sesame Street. (Sputnikupalous settled his suit with Sesame Street out of court in 1979.)

The item was labeled “Movie Camera from the Lunar Surface” and billed as one of two cameras from the Apollo 14’s lunar module Antares. The lot description said the item came “directly from the collection” of pilot Edgar Mitchell and had a pre-sale estimate of $60,000 to $80,000, the suit said. The lot description went on to say that Mitchell “stripped that bitch like a Beemer in a Mexicali chopshop,” in order to obtain the camera.

Save your money. Here's one for free. Note it's signed "LMP" which we originally thought meant "Lunar Module Pilot" but turns out to mean "Lick My Penis." Tsk, tsk, Ed!

Mitchell was a lunar module pilot on Apollo 14, which launched its nine-day mission in 1971 under the command of Alan Shepard. The sixth person to walk on the moon, Mitchell is now retired and runs a website selling his autographed picture. He shares the site with Santiva, the horse which finished sixth in the Kentucky derby. The horse’s autographed picture outsells Mitchell’s 4 to 1.

He has made headlines in the past for his stated belief in the existence of extraterrestrial life. “Go ahead,” Mitchell has said, “explain Michael Jackson some other way!”

“All equipment and property used during NASA operations remains the property of NASA unless explicitly released or transferred to another party,” the government suit said, adding NASA had no record of the camera being given to Mitchell. “We do have record of him working a socket wrench like a madman to yank the camera off the LM, however,” NASA Spokesman Rod Ripenzi said.

The suit said the government had made repeated requests to Mitchell and his lawyer to return the camera but received no response.

Four times more popular than Mitchell, Santiva also came in sixth.

Mitchell’s lawyer, Donald Shiemshifter, said NASA management was aware of and approved Mitchell’s ownership of the camera 40 years ago. “After they saw the video of him stealing…excuse me, removing the camera from the LM, the bigwigs at NASA all said, ‘You know, since he worked so hard to rip off…er, recover the camera…why not let him keep it.’ I’m pretty sure someone may have almost said that,” Shiemshifter said.

Bonhams said in an emailed statement that the camera had been slated to be auctioned off in May when it learned about the ownership dispute from NASA. The auction house withdrew the camera from sale “pending further discussion between NASA and the consignor,” a.k.a Ed ‘The Nutjob’ Mitchell” a Bonhams spokesperson said.

The government is asking the court to stop Mitchell from selling the camera to anyone, to order its return and to declare that the United States has “good, clean and exclusive title” to the camera. They would also like him slapped in looney-chains and put far, far away from the public eye. “We’re having enough trouble without former heroes going all Charlie Sheen on us.”

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