Everyone knows the Donald J. Trump and Kim Jong Un have something of an adversarial relationship. From name-calling to quipping over whose nuclear button is bigger (no Freudian reference there!), they just don’t seem to be able to see eye to eye on anything!
Or do they? TTLA has uncovered a shocking revelation, but before we spill the beans, here are a couple of clues that might help you figure out just what the common bond might be:
Have you figured it out yet? OK, here’s the big reveal:
That’s right! They both have the same insane barber! First spotted in a Monty Python sketch, this is the fellow who wanted to be a lumberjack, but was stuck being a barber. Some forty-odd years later his disposition hasn’t improved and now he’s taking it out on the heads of the Heads of State!
Remember to tell everyone that you heard it here first!
“I would remind you that extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice!”
– Barry Goldwater
A lot of people, myself included, feel that President Donald Trump may be a bit of an extremist when it comes to his policies. And his lifestyle. And his douchebaggery.
But I’ve been reflecting, and I think that in my case at least, my problem with him is that he is actually not extreme enough. I think I need more. I need him to go further off track, deeper of that proverbial deep end. I need him to be even crazier.
And as a patriotic American, I feel it my duty to help our First Citizen out in any way that I can. To that end, I’d like to offer some suggestions on how to make his extremism the extremest. You Presidentialness, feel free to adopt any and all of these. My only request is that when you announce them on Twitter, or as it will soon be renamed “The Real Press Secretary,” you include a #TTLA hashtag.
One of the pipedream ideas Mr. Trump bandied around to appeal to the more base and paranoid of his followers was the border wall. He proposed that we build a wall between Mexico and the United States, apparently across the entire 1,960-mile span. And of course, in typical unscrupulous-business-practice, he proposed that Mexico pay for the construction. This would be the equivalent of you waking up one morning to find your house surrounded by twenty-foot-high prison walls through which you aren’t allowed to pass, and a fellow in coveralls holding a bill for you.
But is a wall between the two counties enough? After all, there are a lot of Mexicans already in the country. And, I’ve been told, they’re all rapists. Except for the ones that are both rapists and drug dealers. What are we going to do about them?
I suppose we could round them all up, and bring them to the wall, climb a ladder, and throw them back into Mexico. But is even this plan extreme enough? I don’t think so.
What I’m proposing is that we build individual walls around every Mexican currently in the country. This would include, just to be safe, naturalized citizens, persons of Mexican descent and anyone with a Mexican name or nickname, like “Paco,” “Pancho,” “José,” or “Donaldo.”
With each person having their own individual walls, it will mean less attention has to be paid to the big wall, and it may not have to be as well-guarded, freeing up valuable resources. Also, think in terms of jobs for real Americans. Millions of bricklayers will find themselves working as many hours as they chose to work, and of course, we’ll need to hire millions of people to make the Mexicans stand still while the wall is being built around them.
I am not a cruel man, and I understand that from time to time these Mexicans will want to move around, perhaps to attempt a new rape. (They will fail, of course, since their victims will be outside the wall.) But if the walls are built with wheels, the entire construct can be moved from place to place.
That should put the dire and constant threat from South of the Border to rest.
Killing Endangered Species/Nuking North Korea
Apparently, in order to be a Republican, it is mandatory to love killing things. And what’s more fun than hunting animals teetering on the edge of extinction? And while the president himself has not indicated that he’s planning on traveling to Zimbabwe or Zambia to his elephant murder on, he has done another of his favorite things, which is undoing anything good that his predecessor managed to do, in this case lifting a ban on bringing elephant trophies into the United States.
He has also talked quite a bit about launching a nuclear bomb or fifty on North Korea, in answer to that nation’s technologically impossible threats to do the same to us, going so far as to call the North Korean head of government, Kim Jong Un, “rocket man,” obviously insulting Elton John by doing so.
But are either of these policies extreme enough? I put it to you that they are not.
And so I propose hunting elephants in North Korea, using nuclear weapons.
Of course, before they can be hunted they will have to be brought into North Korea in great numbers, but again… jobs! All though unemployed elephant handlers who lost their livelihood when circuses, (a fraternity not really known for forward thinking, but are, in contrast to Trump, a prancing bunch of liberals), decided to stop keeping elephant acts in their shows, can now return to doing what they do best: herding elephants around with hooked pikes.
Then once they are in place, we allow wealthy Americans to take turns nuking them. The one downside to this is that there might not be much left in the way of trophies, and it may also kill millions of people, but with over 7 billions of us scampering across the face of the Earth, you can hardly call us endangered.
Endorsing Child Molesters
There is no way one can avoid hearing about sexual assault, or even outright rape, (in these cases not even done by Mexicans), and in the case of Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, the allegations are that he did what he did to underaged girls, many of whom feel their lives were ruined by the experience.
Lately, Trump has been sounding very much like he is supporting Moore, and while stopping short of actively campaigning for one of the most reprehensible humans to ever walk the planet, he’s pointing out that since Moore has denied the allegations, they’re probably not true, or at least are no big deal.
This shouldn’t surprise anyone who has heard Trump’s famous “grab ’em by the hoo-ha,” live mic faux pas. If the presidential candidate can admit to Billy Bush that he basically molests any woman he wants to, why the hell not let senators share the same mentality, as long as they’re Republicans. If a Dem., such as Al Franken, is accused, we need to have him resign immediately.
But is supporting a child-rapist candidate extreme enough? Not even close.
My proposal is to select all Republican candidates not based on their views and plans for the country but on their presence on the Registered-Sex-Offenders list. Let’s stop waiting for our candidates to be accused of committing sex crimes. Let’s selected them based on the fact that we know in advance they have actually been registered for being convicted of them.
Here then is your 2018 GOP ticket:
Can’t you already hear the president explaining to us that having these guys in office would be infinitely preferable to having a horrible liberal in there?
Others, Too Numerable to List
There are so many other isolationist, white supremacist, small-minded ideas coming out of the White House these days, that it’s impossible in the context of one web article, to point out, and then expand upon them. But here’s a few quickies:
Ban upon Muslims – Don’t just keep people from predominantly Muslim nations from immigrating to the United States. Reinstate the Crusades, and go hunt them down in their home countries.
Tax Reform – Don’t just allow the rich enormous tax breaks, allow companies that prey ruthlessly upon unsuspecting citizens all sorts of tax loopholes which will enable them to continue to rape the land and enslave their own employees. Bring back roving tax collectors, who go from door to door extracting what is owed the king, err, I mean the president. (Here again… jobs! Someone’s going to have to physically enforce these shakedowns).
Puppy Kicking – Once the every NFL player has been fired for kneeling during the National Anthem, people are going to need a new form of entertainment. And catering to the mentality of the average Trump supporter, I’m proposing the invention of a new sport. All those football stadiums will be filled again, as players attempt kick puppies through the goal post. What heroes will emerge in this dynamic new game?
Ultimately, I, as a private insane citizen, may not have the mental capacity to dream up ever more horrid things to do to the people of the United States and the world, but we can all thank our lucky stars than one has emerged who can continue to think this way.
United States president, Donald J. Trump… cough, cough, gag, choke…
Sorry, I still have trouble saying that without throwing up a little. Let’s try again.
President of the United States… “He Who Shall Not Be Named,” (yes, that’s better), has made headlines repeatedly by denying the veracity of headlines. Just about any time a story hits the airwaves or the pages of the many “Liberal rags” (New York Times, Washington Post, etc.), that paints anything other than a flattering picture of him or his presidency, #45 cries “FOUL!” Notable examples: the story that his own Secretary of State called him a moron, (“Totally fake, made up by NBC.”); climate change, (“Junk science, no credible proof); “Seinfeld” canceled, (“It’s on my TV right now! What are you talking about?”)
But this is only the tip of the iceberg. TTLA has come into possession of a document, in the president’s handwriting, entitled “All the lies and baloney I need to tweet about soon.” In the document, he lists a mind-boggling array of items that he considers “fake news” and/or “junk science.” The scope of the topics is staggering. Here are just a few of the literally hundreds of things President The Donald considers to be “made up.”
The American Civil War: “Made up by liberal wags to discredit the time-honored and repeatedly proven law of White supremacy, to which I’m totally opposed, (wink, wink!) “
European colonization of the United States, “Immigrants could not possibly have built this country because I won’t let them in. Unless they’re rich. Or hot. Oh, and by the way, so-called ‘Native Americans’ are probably radical Islamic terrorist who constitute a vast sleeper cell.”
Tobacco causes cancer: “Absolute crap science! How can any group that can write such beautiful and large checks possibly sell a product that is bad for you? When I was a kid they used to tell us 9 out of 10 doctors preferred some brand or another. Doctors never make mistakes, right? I mean, it’s not like they were paidto say that, right?”
There is a need for gun control in America: “Why do liberals insist on politicising mass shootings? Don’t they realize that it detracts from my party’s attempts to politicise things like universal health care (a ridiculous concept! everyone knows only the rich need healthcare!) and women’s health issues, (the all-male panel can’t be distracted by people being upset about mass murder! How are they supposed to deny women access to birth control and stop them from making decisions about their own bodies?). Besides, how can a group as skilled at check writing as the NRA be wrong in their belief that guns don’t kill people, and that if the fine gentleman (probably) who shot all those people in Las Vegas hadn’t been able to legally buy all those automatic weapons, he would still have been able to kill them by pointing his fingers at them from his hotel window and saying ‘pow!’ (probably)
The world is round: “Wrong.”
The Earth revolves around the Sun: “Wrong.”
The Earth is a planet, the Sun is a star: “Wrong! The Earth is the center of the known universe, and I and ONLY I am a star.”
Cancer research should receive far more federal funding: “Cancer is junk science. It’s a poor person’s disease. Republicans sometimes suffer from an ailment called ‘money sarcoma,’ but it’s totally unrelated to this so-called cancer. Name one wealthy individual other than David Bowie, John Wayne, Yul Brenner, Anne Bancroft and Steve Jobs who ever died of cancer. Oh, and Patrick Swayze and Farrah Fawcett and Peter Jennings and Ted Kennedy (liberal… deserved it). Oops, Paul Newman. Forgot him. AND Jack Lemmon. AND Dennis Hopper. AND Walt Disney. Like I said. Nobody!)
Water is wet: “Wrong!”
Black is black: “It’s white! And well it should be, as white is the superior color!”
That whole “grabbing pu**y” episode, caught on video and viewed by millions worldwide: “Fake news, never happened. Unless it got me votes. Then I totally said it.”
The crowd for his inauguration was smaller than Obama’s: “Fake! They just switched the photos. Mine was the one where the crowd extended from the Capitol to New Jersey, his was the group of the six hooded KKK dudes with sparklers and ‘Trump Furever! ‘Murica!’ signs.”
Hillary Clinton won the popular vote: “Emails! Benghazi! Bill was a perv!”
Sadly, the list goes on and on.
After the leak was made public, we tried to reach the White House for comment, but the operator who took the call had the phone ripped from her hand and all we heard was someone screaming the words “Wrong! Fake! Totally made up!” We have been thus far unsuccessful ascertaining the identity of the speaker, but we have our theories.
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Obama administration accidentally revealed the name of the CIA’s top official in Afghanistan in an email to thousands of journalists during the president’s surprise weekend trip to Bagram Air Field.
The officer’s name, Myron Fibbleschmit Doosendoifer Calloway — identified as “chief of station” in Kabul — was included by U.S. embassy staff on a list of 15 senior American officials who met with President Obama during the Saturday visit. The list was sent to a Washington Post reporter who was representing the news media, who then sent it out to the White House “press pool” list, which contains as many as 6,000 recipients.
Work ground to s a standstill as 6,000 writers rolled on the floor with laughter at hearing the CIA man’s name. When asked his reaction to his name being released, Fibbleschmit Doosendoifer Calloway said, “It’s a serious inconvenience. Since my name was revealed the Afghans have been ordering pizzas in my name and have put burning bags of dog crap on my front stoop. Which I stamped out. And got dog crap all over my shoe.”
Fibbleschmit Doosendoifer Calloway will likely be replaced in his post as his cover was the only thing protecting him from abject humiliation and bullying.
The Associated Press is withholding the officer’s name at the request of the Obama administration, who said its publication could put his life and those of his family members in danger. A Google search appears to reveal the name of the officer’s wife and other personal details.
White House officials realized the error after the Post reporter notified them, and sent out a new list without the station chief’s name. Other major news organizations, including the Post, also agreed not to publish the officer’s name. We at TTLA had no such reservations. “How can you not release a name like that?” asked several reporters who also had no qualms about passing on the mistake.
WASHINGTON (AP) — Monica Lewinsky says there’s no question her boss — Bill Clinton — “took advantage” of her when he was president. “He used my toothpaste and never put the top back on,” she ranted. “He scratched my records and put spinach dip all over my porn.”
But she says their affair was consensual and if there was any abuse involved, it came afterward, when Clinton’s inner circle tried to discredit her and the president’s opponents used her as a political pawn. “I wanted to be a political rook,” she explained.
The former White House intern, now 40, writes about her life in the next issue of Vanity Fair magazine, out this month. In released excerpts, she says she’s perhaps the first Internet era scapegoat and wants to speak out on behalf of other victims of online humiliation. “All those high school girls who get called ‘gross’ on the internet…my heart goes out to you,” she said.
Her willingness to step forward may come at an inopportune time as former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton considers running for president. Republicans have signaled they don’t consider her husband’s scandal from the late 1990s out of bounds in the realm of 2016-style political dialogue. “Hillary should have tossed in the towel when Bill and I were hot and heavy. She knows she’s his second choice, just because she ended up with him and I got left out in the cold like an abandoned dog,” Lewinsky told reporters.
Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul, a likely GOP presidential contender, answered criticisms of the Republican record on women’s issues by saying in January that the last Democratic president engaged in “predatory behavior” with a woman, Lewinsky, who was 22 when her liaisons with Clinton began in 1995. Clinton’s lies about the relationship contributed to his impeachment by the House in 1998; the Senate acquitted him, saying Lewinsky was not hot enough to constitute a threat to the nation.
Lewinsky writes that she deeply regrets the affair and made a point of staying silent through several presidential campaigns to avoid becoming a distraction. Now, she writes, it’s time to stop “tiptoeing around my past — and other people’s futures. I am determined to have a different ending to my story. I’ve decided, finally, to stick my head above the parapet.” Republican snipers couldn’t be happier.
Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice backed out of a planned address at Rutgers University’s commencement ceremony following a week in which student protestors staged sits-in. Numerous faculty members also spoke out against the honor. Rice was scheduled to receive $35,000 for her speech and also snag a coveted Doctor of Letters from the New Jersey institution. “You don’t mess with people in New Jersey,” said Rice. “Did you ever watch the Sopranos?”
Rice said she couldn’t risk getting whacked while delivering her $35 grand speech. “I’m an important persons and I just can’t run the risk of ending up sleeping with the fishes for the sake of a speech and a fake diploma. I can get a Doctor of Letters from the internet without having to risk my neck.”
When asked if she was over reacting to a group of students staging sit-ins, Rice replied, “Sure they’re sitting in, like at a nice restaurant, where you’re minding your business, then BAM, out of no where Nunzio the Knuckle Bonano shows up and shoots you in the face.”
Rice also stated she would not speak at the University of Nebraska because there were too many cows in the area. “I don’t trust them, with their big eyes and their mooing,” she said.
Former GOP Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin addressed the NRA (National Retard Association) this weekend claiming that creating gun-free zones is “Stupid on steroids.” The suggestion that schools and other public buildings should be gun free did not appeal to the woman who once said she could see Russia from her house. “How are we to have anything to watch on the news if we do not have school shootings?”
“In Alaska we like our children armed and dangerous. How else will they learn that the more guns you have the better you are? And not that we have that many Jews in Alaska, but how can someone shoot up a Jewish community center if said center was a ‘Gun-Free Zone.'” Palin made goo-goo eyes and spun her finger at her head as she delivered her speech.
The crowd responded enthusiastically shouting, “You tell ’em, Inspector Grandelfini.” Apparently they did not know who was addressing them.
“If more Mama Grizzlies carried guns we’d be really fucked,” said Palin. “They’re dangerous enough already. But I do not deny their rights to pack heat. A cop is too heavy to carry, so let’s reduce him down to just his gun and carry that. Let’s forget that a cop is a trained individual who knows when not to use his gun just as much as he does when to use it. He’s just a gun.”
When asked what they thought of Palin’s comments, delegates at the convention said, “She summed up what everyone would have been thinking if any of us could in fact think. Guns are the most important thing in the world, more important than people, and Grandmaster Choolingus put it just so.”
Sarah Palin proved once again that she is among the stupidest people on the planet, and did so in spectacular fashion, leaving the NRA crowd drooling for more.