This Is Not Funny

So I’ve been thinking.

The Universe is big. Mind-bogglingly big. So big that it is really not possible to fully comprehend it. Unless maybe you’re Steven Hawking, and I’d be willing to bet even he realizes that the Universe is just ridiculously, obscenely big.

OK. So in all of that immensity there are lots of stars. Channeling Carl Sagan, I would go so far as to say there are billions and billions of them. And that’s oversimplifying it to an embarrassing degree. I’m not friends with any astronomers, so I don’t suppose anyone will hold me to task for that. But I digress.

Around those stars orbit planets. So many planets that I would be hard pressed to even make up a number to represent them. Maybe a trazazingajillion. Maybe more.  Maybe two trazazingajillion. And every day we’re learning more and more about many of them.

Every human being, alive or dead in July of 1969 is in this picture, save one - the photographer Michael Collins.
Every human being, alive or dead in July of 1969 is in this picture, save one – the photographer Michael Collins.

But for all that, there is only one (on which we can can say with certainty), that there is a precious, fragile gem. That gem is called life, and that planet is called Earth.

We live on paradise. Only Earth, as far as the best and brightest minds can say without doubt, harbors life. Cauliflower, amoebas, dogs, porcupines, stinkweed, naked mole-rats…and people. These things grow on the surface of this rare and tender place.

And of all these things, I can’t help but believe, it is the people that this vast Universe is most disappointed with. So much potential. So much actually achieved. So much more to do.

But forever, as far back as we can know, and as recently is this moment, we have invested unfathomable amounts of our existence … in butchering one another. We are simply incapable of living with one another without reaching out and killing each other.

And why? Because your skin looks different than mine. Because we believe in a different God. Or because I believe in God and you do not. Or because there is oil beneath your dirt and I want it. Or because today I decided that someone needed to die.

I know that there are many good people on our little blue ball. And these good people come from everywhere, look different from one another, and believe different things. But they see one another and think, “That person is just as worthy of his place here as I am, and I should accept him for what he is. My brother. My planetary cohabitant. Another version of me.”

We are all made of the same stuff: the remnants of long dead stars forged into living things. Think about that for a moment. The next person you see was once a brilliant, shining star, just as you were. Just as you both still are.

So how about we stop destroying our greatest resource – one another. Wake up. Be worthy of the gift the Universe has given you. Just stop.

All The Important, Real-Honest-to-Pete, Internet News

Breaking: NASA halloweensays that once again next year for the SECOND time in 666 years, Halloween will be on Friday the 13th. The last time this happened, (537 years ago…I think, or was it 666? Seems I heard something somewhere abturkeyout 666…anyway…) lots of bad stuff went down and my neighbor’s house was egged ridiculously and…werewolves, maybe??

In related news: A joint NASA/Costco study has shown that this year, for the first time in Six hundred sixty SEVEN years (HA! You thought I was going to say 666 again, didn’t you? HEY! This is science, bud. And great savings on your everyday needs by purchasing in bulk…anyway…) Thanksgiving will also fall on Friday the 13th.

And today we mourn the passing of Yvonne De Carlo, TV’s beloved Lilly Munster. Yvonne’s actually been dead since 2007, but people all suddenly feel bad because maybe she just…I don’t know…died or something?? Anyway here’s a picture of her in a sexy outfit.

Admit it, you'd totally do her while Herman watched.
Admit it, you’d totally do her while Herman watched.


In related news: Rest In Peace, Willie Nelson. Willie’s actually still alive but again, maybe something happened…like he’s, I don’t know…dead?? Like Lilly Munster?? Anyway, leave lots of condolences in the comment’s section, so people can see how incredibly stupid you are.

minionAlso: A picture of some Minions.


Finally: Kim Davis, Black Lives Matter…No All Lives Matter…That’s Racist…YOU’RE Racist!!, Donald Trump, Ben Carson, No, Hillary!!, and…I don’t know…they gays? Maybe?

[Dedicated to Stupid People Everywhere]

Bolivia mayor apologizes for grabbing woman on TV

Bolivian mayor is way off in attempting to grab reporter's boob.
Bolivian mayor is way off in attempting to grab reporter’s boob.

LA PAZ, Bolivia (AP) — The mayor of Bolivia’s largest city has had to make a televised apology after grabbing the thigh of a woman during a broadcast event.

Santa Cruz Mayor Percy Fernandez appeared on television Monday night to express “anguish for this mess that’s been created.” He said he had not intended to offend journalist Mercedes Guzman, “nor have I done so.” He did not specifically apologize for touching her. “I apologize for not grabbing her boob, which is what I intended to do.”

Television images show Guzman holding a microphone in one hand and struggling to lift the mayor’s hand from her thigh with the other during a public appearance last week. “I was disgusted by his fat, greasy sausage fingers all over my silky thigh,” said Guzman.

“She loved it,” countered Fernandez.

Several legislators, journalists’ organizations and women’s rights activists denounced the 75-year-old mayor and Guzman’s husband Marco Antonio Espindola threatened to bring a legal complaint if the mayor did not apologize.

“Even the schoolmates of my son in primary school heard about this event and my adolescent son had to put up with uncomfortable questions at his school,” Espindola said. “It shamed my family.” Questions such as “Why is your mommy such a whore,” were tossed at the young Espindola boy.

While Guzman’s family has not presented a criminal complaint, opposition legislator Marcela Revollo Fernandez on Monday filed a complaint in the nation’s capital, La Paz, accusing the mayor of sexual harassment, sexual violence and discrimination,” charges that potentially would lead to as many as four years in prison. “For grabbing a chippie?” Fernandez asked. “That’s ridiculous. I didn’t even get boob like I wanted.”

Fernandez has been mayor of the city of more than 1 million several times and has lately supported President Evo Morales, who in February called him the country’s best mayor. “Nobody grabs women like Fernandez does,” said Morales.

Russia no Threat to Ukraine, says Putin

Often mistaken for President Vladimir Putin, Lars Putin says everything is peachy in the Ukraine.
Often mistaken for President Vladimir Putin, Lars Putin says everything is peachy in the Ukraine.

Lars “I’m Not A Russian” Putin, a 53 year-old homeless man from Hackensack, N.J., has gone on record saying that Russia poses no threat to the Ukraine. “They’re a great bunch of fellows, those Russians. They just had the Olympics and all that. How could they invade another country after hosting the biathlon?” he said. Asked if he was ever mistaken for Russian President Putin, Lars replied, “Yes it happens all the time. Once even his girlfriend made the mistake.”

Billy Vlilichec, whose distant relatives hailed from Ukraine, takes a contrary point of view.
Billy Vlilichec, whose distant relatives hailed from Ukraine, takes a contrary point of view.

On what authority did he make his statements? Lars says simply, “Look, I know people, OK? I can tell you that no Russian wants to do anything bad to the Ukraine. There’s no special amount of vodka there, the Russian Mafia has no interest in the place, so why bother?”

Fifth generation Ukrainian-American Billy Vilichec countered Putin’s statements saying, “It’s obvious that Russia wants the Ukraine for our fabulous Easter Eggs and bitchin’ home cooking. How much borsht can you eat before you want something new?” he asked.

“How did you get in here,” asked Putin, who thought he was being interviewed exclusively on this story.

“They said they wanted someone sane to comment,” replied Vilichec.

“I’ll give you sane. I’ll invade you so fast your head will spin,” Putin shouted.

The exchange went back and forth for several minutes before both men forgot what they were arguing about and agreed to share a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 that Putin had secreted in his coat. This issue remains unresolved and it appears that asking hobos to comment on world events may in fact NOT be the best course of action.

World’s Most Successful Kidney Donor

In the Philippines one of the names given to the area around Manila is “One-Kidney Island.” This is because the black market sale of kidneys is so common.

One man, who asked to be called “Carlos” (although his real name is Bart) is known far and wide as the world’s most successful kidney donor.

“I have developed a fool proof technique,” says Carlos. “I have the doctor sew the recipient’s bad kidney back into me. Then there’s a new one to sell.” When asked how he deals with the fact that the next transplant will be of a bad kidney, Carlos says, “That’s why there are airplanes. You get out of town until the heat is off.”

Carlos says he did this by falling on a skate key.

Asked how he explains the huge scar which is already there when the doctors prepare for surgery, Carlos tells them, “I fell on my roller skate key.” When asked about the future of his business,  Carlos is optimistic. “This kidney gig should be good for quite some time. But sooner or later it will dry up. That won’t be the end of it for me though. I’ll switch to liver chunks, and if that doesn’t pan out, hearts.” Is there anything he wouldn’t sell, “Well, the penis is a definite no. That’s the wife’s rule, not mine.”

Carlos doesn’t seem too concerned about the fact that selling his heart would be fatal. “My wife has lived without a heart as long as I’ve known her, so don’t give me that!”

New Findings In Pyramid Amaze The World, Advertise Egyptian Fast Food

Scientists decide where to eat lunch by reading ancient ads on tunnel walls

A robot explorer recently discovered ancient markings at the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt. The robotic device found the markings inside a secret chamber inaccessible to humans–and then proceeded to film the painted hieroglyphics and stone markings, which hadn’t been seen by human eyes in 4,500 years, via a small robotic camera that was fit through a tiny hole in a stone wall.

Archaeologist were stunned upon translating the hieroglyphics, all of which appeared to be ads for a diner named “Peshwah’s Greasy Papyrus,” an “Enterprise Rent-A-Camel,” and two blogs, “Craig Hart Online” and “Things To Laugh About.”

“We were really amazed at the plugs for the diner and the camel renting place,” said Zazar al Zazarazaz, (who is, coincidentally, the last person listed under Archaeologists in the Yellow Pages), “but to see advertisements for web sites painted almost 5000 years before the invention of the computer has really got us stumped!”

Various theories are being put forward for this anachronistic anomaly, including the clairvoyance of ancient Egyptian magicians, the intervention of extraterrestrial blog aficionados, and vandalism by the administrators of the two web sites mentioned.

Meanwhile, other technologically enhanced discovery expeditions have turned up other fascinating new information about the pyramids in recent days. Archaeologists from the United States (with some help from the BBC) used satellite imagery to discover 17 pyramids beneath the sand and silt in Egypt. An article from Canada’s CBC explains that 1,000 tombs and around 3,000 other buildings were also discovered thanks to the technology.

Often mentioned in ancient hieroglyphs

Even more amazing is that at least 2,350 of these newly discovered buildings have hieroglyphics that specifically mention Lindsay Lohan. Not even the intervention of extraterrestrials can really explain this. “You would have to believe than anyone with the technology to visit another planet, impart great knowledge on a primitive people, and sway the course of an entire civilization would have enough sense not to mention a train wreck like Lindsay Lohan,” Zazarazaz said.

Equally revealing, in Zazarazaz’s opinion, “is that in the thousands of time-defying discoveries that we have made, there is not one mention of Justin Bieber. After all the Lohan blathering the silence viz the Biebs is deafening.”

American authority on ancient Egypt, Dr. Thomas vander Drab, is highly skeptical about the new findings. “The thing I find most disturbing about the reports coming out of Giza is that among all the mention of American web sites and celebrities, we would find the acknowledgment of some piss-ant Egyptian diner. ‘Peshwan’s Greasy Papyrus?’ Come on! Who gives a shit!” When asked about the references to Lohan, vander Drab said, “Oh, I have no problem with that.”

Clearly there is much to be worked out as reams of new data come pouring in from the site, and it is possible that the entire field of Egyptology may need to be reevaluated in the months and years to come.

The Upshot

Amid Turmoil in Sudan, “Beverly Hillbillies” Remake In Progress

If you look carefully, you can see Granny on top of the truck.

The news has been grim from Sudan lately as civil war rages and the population suffers. Not to mention it wasn’t much fun in Sudan before the war. Let’s face it Sudan’s a pretty grim vacation destination in it’s best days.

But in spite of living in a world turned upside down by the horrors of war and political unrest, the people of this beleaguered nation can look forward to seeing a remake of one of the greatest shows in the history of television. As can be seen from this photo, a new version of “The Beverly Hillbillies” is in production. The picture shows the family moving from the backwater hills heading to their mansion in Khartoum after striking it rich.

There are some notable differences in this updated version in order to make it more relevant to the average Sudanese viewer.  For example:

  • As can be seen from the photo, there are about  fifteen members of the hillbilly family, as opposed for four in the original.
  • There are also more burned out houses than the Clampetts used to see.
  • There will be a much higher incidence of infectious disease than before, and Ellie Mae’s critters will tend to eat people far more often.
  • The Jethro character’s fourth grade education will make him not only the most literate member of the hillbilly family, but among the most educated persons in the entire nation.
  • The scheming banker whose institution holds the family fortune will be called Mr. Abdullah Deng Nhial, and his bank’s prior holdings of eight dollars and fifty cents will so impress the hillbillies that they will trust him unreservedly.
  • And finally instead of a “cement pond” in the back yard, this family will have the “killing field.”
Whoo-doggies! I thought WE had it bad!

The chance to watch this family’s light-hearted shenanigans will do much to elevate the mood of the average viewer, assuming their television, along with the rest of their worldly possessions aren’t being shelled or actively burning. Their cares will melt away as the hillbilly family welcomes them into their mansion and the viewers “have a heapin’ helpin’ of their hospitality.”  In no time at all, as family members of the viewing public are being hauled off by rebel forces, the last thing they hear from the loved ones they leave behind will be:

“Y’all come back now, ya hear?”