Honors Heaped Upon Me

As a living-room famous author (there are stages to these things, you must realize: living-room famous, locally-famous, nationally-famous, world-famous, and from there it just gets silly), one of the things expected of me is to have an author biography. This is used in various places including, but not limited to, my living room. Other outlets, such as my website, my blog, my Amazon.com author’s page, my Facebook page, my AllPoetry.com site, etc. also use one version or another of the bio.
I’m not going to reproduce the existing bios here, you can hop around to the aforementioned places if you’d like to read them, although I can give you the highlights:

One version states I was born in New York City in 1960 and two years later formed a musical combo known as the Beatles. The bio might lead one to believe this is something I did on my own, but I’d like to use this forum to officially recognize the other guys involved, although I don’t recall any of their names now.

Another bio relates the episode which occurred when I was in first grade, wherein I uncovered a massive Soviet plot to copy sensitive nuclear documents by unwitting six-year-old students, using those oversized pencils without erasers that were so popular in the 1960’s. Mention is made of the class mascot, a nefarious hamster named Comrade Gibbles, who was used to spread fear among the children. I have nothing to add to or subtract from this story. It’s history. Deal with it.

But, in addition to relating important episodes in my life, I think it prudent to enumerate some of the honors I have accrued during my writing career, though I do so with great humility. So I’ve decided to use this forum, (this is a forum, right? I’m using the word correctly?) to explain a little bit about just how freaking awesome I am. (See? Humble!) You, therefore, get the first look at my new bio section…

AWARDS AND HONORS

S.J. Varengo has accumulated a literal roomful of awards over the years, having early on learned that the secret to doing so is to study the writers who have previously won those awards and break into their homes to steal them. Here is a partial list of his triumphs:

  • 00nobelErnest Hemingway’s Nobel Prize for Literature
  • A Hugo Award for Science Fiction, formerly in the possession of Isaac Asimov
  • A Newbery Medal for Children’s Literature, once proudly displayed by Madeleine L’Engle
  • Two Pulitzers, John Steinbeck’s for Grapes of Wrath and a recent acquisition, Harper Lee’s for To Kill A Mockingbird, which just became available during the confusion after her passing.
  • national_award_1118A National Book Award that William Faulkner wasn’t using anymore.
  • Of course, there are numerous others, some well-known, some lesser-known, and some that turned out to be absolute garbage, barely worth the risk involved in obtaining them.

EGOTOn the opposite end of the spectrum, it’s notable that Varengo was the first person ever to complete an EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony awards), completely through the use of larceny. Oh, and, in the case of the Oscar assault and battery; Sally Field is way tougher than she looks.

While his writing style has been characterized as “infused with humor and tenderness in an amalgam that makes it just shy of readable,” his B&E [Breaking and Entering] skills have been praised as “nearly flawless, leaving behind not so much as a teaspoonful of DNA in most cases.”
He has been invited to readings, usually of his rights, in the leading police stations of the U.S. and abroad.
His work has been featured on several popular television programs including “Unsolved Mysteries” and “America’s Most Wanted,” and he is a frequent contributor to the “6 O’clock News.”
When discussing his vast array of honors, Varengo is typically humble and gracious to those who no longer possess the awards, calling them “A great bunch of guys and gals who might want to consider updating their security systems.”

That’s it!

I think it captures the scope of my accomplishments while giving ample credit to the “little people,” which is what I call the race of tiny, two-headed quasi-humans who dwell in the mystical land of “Under My Bathroom Sink.”
But, ultimately, that is a story for another day.

There’s Things Goin’ On

This blog is old. I started it in 2014, and it’s now 2017. That’s four years, (I know, I thought that was wrong mathematically, but check it out: with posts in 2014, 2015, 2016 AND 2017 that’s four years). In internet years that’s something like 432 years. In fact, there is only one website on the internet that is older than Things To Laugh About, and that’s the transcript of the Proceedings of The Roman Forum, which dates to around 179 B.C., which is the year that Al Gore invented the internet.

Despite its advanced age, and it’s numerous sophomoric entries, I still love it. I like to come back every now and then and post something new just because it makes me feel like a kid again, (when I founded it in 2014 I was only six years old… this year I’m going to be 57… SCIENCE!)

But this post is a little different. Because in it I’m announcing some other places I’d like you to visit.

For you see, I’ve written a couple of books.

 

There is a book of short fiction called Welcome Home, and a novel called A Dark Clock. If you click on either of those links, you will be magically transported to Amazon.com, which is yet another website, not quite as old as mine, I think, but it’s nifty, and you can purchase the aforementioned books there. I wish that you would.

When you publish a book on Amazon.com, they allow you to create an author’s page. This I have done, and if you’d like to you can see that as well. To get there you need to go to S.J. Varengo’s Author Page,  which will also magically transport you if you click those prettily colored words.

In order to really talk about this writing stuff, I decided to put together my own website, dedicated to writing and writing accessories. It’s called S.J. Varengo – Author, a title that I spent a long time pondering. I finally went with it because it contains my name and my occupation, in case I ever forgot one or both and needed to be reminded. You may have already guessed this, but if you click on the highlighted words (they call it a “link,”) you’ll be taken to the website. Go, look around, have fun!

When you go to the site, you’ll want to sign up for my email mailing list. Why will you want to do this? Because these aren’t the droids you’re looking for. (Yes, I’m using Jedi mind tricks on you!) No, the real reason is that the list subscribers get the skinny on anything new and exciting before everyone else in the world even has an inkling that something might be happening. For example, is there a new book coming out in the future? Have I added a new feature to the website? Did I have beans for dinner again? The list subscribers know the answers to all of these questions, and you can too. In fact, because I am a benevolent overlord, I’ll let you click on this link, which will take you directly to the email signup page: Mailing List Signup. Do it! You won’t regret it much at all! [LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I WILL NOT SELL YOU INFORMATION TO ANYONE AT ANYTIME FOR ANY PURPOSE, OTHER THAN FOR MONEY. NO, WAIT, NOT EVEN FOR MONEY. MAYBE FOR A NICE JELLY DONUT. NO! NOT EVEN THEN.] 

Is this all that’s going on you ask? This is a lot of stuff to be going on. Surely this is everything that is going on.

WRONG. I also want to give you one more link. I’ve also been publishing my poetry online for a while now, and since I’m handing out links like Oprah giving away cars or houses or blue whales, here is the link to read some lovely poems.

OK, come on, you’re saying now. There couldn’t possibly be anymore.

Well for the time being, at least, there is not. Except for a visit from our mascot, the Things To Laugh About stoned puppy.

smiling dog
This dog has a better sense of humor than some of you!