In 1939, Albert Einstein wrote a now famous letter to President Franklin D. Roosevelt urging the creation of the atomic bomb. Few letters in the history of man have had such history changing results.
Cesar Millan, known around the world as The Dog Whisperer, has written a letter to President Barak Obama which is sure to have just as far-reaching an effect on the world as did Einstein’s before it. The White House today said it would not release the text of the letter on grounds of national security, but fortunately Things To Laugh About has obtained a copy via Wikileaks. Below is a transcript of the letter in it’s entirety.
Dear President Obama,
I have noticed that in recent months you have had less than ideal success when dealing with other world leaders. President Ali Abdullah Saleh of Yemen has refused to leave power as has Libyan dictator Moamer Kadhafi who have both pretty much laughed you off, and although Hosni Mubarak eventually left power in Egypt, he made sure to put you in your place several times before doing so..
I believe your technique in dealing with these people may be the problem, and I would like to offer you some suggestions.
- No touch, no talk, no eye contact. Begin every meeting this way, there by showing the world leader that you have no need of them even being there. You are the pack leader.
- Use a tennis racket to keep especially aggressive leaders at bay while you establish a calm, assertive, dominant demeanor.
- The occasional use of treats is an excellent motivator. When a leader acts in a manner you see as appropriate, give him a cruise missile or a million tons of grain.
- The walk is perhaps the most important method of regulating the behavior of a world leader. First, of course, you must acclimate him to the leash. If he is skittish about wearing the leash, simply put it on and take it off repeatedly, until he pays no more attention to it than he does to a unilateral U.N. declaration. Once he is wearing the leash comfortably, take him out for the walk remembering to hold the leash in a relaxed manner and to never let him walk beside or in front of you: you are the pack leader, and he must learn to walk behind you.
- Especially reluctant world leaders may need to wear the pinch collar. When you pull abruptly on it, it delivers what they perceive as a bite to the neck area, just as their mothers used to give them when teaching right from wrong.
With just these basic techniques, practiced consistently and always while being calm and assertive, you will begin to see the behavior of these world leaders change to the point where they are no longer a problem, but become the joy to have around that you have always hoped for.
I’ll check in on you in a few weeks to see how you are making out. Until then I offer you my best wishes and remind you to watch the Dog Whisperer, only on the National Geographic Channel.
While President Obama offered no comment on the letter, reporters did reach Milan. When asked if he thought his letter was as important as Einstein’s he replied, “Well, my techniques are proven effective time and time again. And as far as Einstein, I never saw him have a show on the National Geographic Channel. He never helped Ed McMahon or Howie Mandel. And he was always so disheveled-looking. I mean look at me! I’m one fine looking dude!”
Only time will tell if President Obama adopts Cesar’s techniques, although a high White House source has let it be known that the president went shopping for pinch collars on the internet moments after reading Millan’s letter.