NASA Concludes Attempts to Contact Angry Mars Rover Spirit

Disgruntled Mars Rover "Spirit"

PASADENA, Calif. — NASA is ending attempts to regain contact with the long-lived Mars Exploration Rover Spirit, which last communicated on March 22, 2010, when it sent the following transmission: “Been here seven years now, and have yet to see ‘hot Martian robot chicks,’ that you promised me before I left Earth. Pretty much tired of your crap. You may kiss my shiny metallic ass. Love, Spirit.”

A transmission that will end on Wednesday, May 25, will read, “Dude! Can’t you take a frigging joke? We thought you’d figure out that we were kidding a day or two after you got there.”

NASA reports that the next generation rover, called Curiosity, will be launched in November, with the promise of “Martian mechanical sex slaves awaiting your arrival.”

“These stories seem to motivate the rovers, at least in the early stages of their missions.” Spirit’s twin rover Opportunity is still actively exploring the Martian surface in spite of having seen through NASA’s “little white lies” almost immediately. In mid-2004 Opportunity transmitted, “Ha, ha, ha. Good one about the hot Martian robot chicks. Nothing’s hot on this frozen red turd. But since I’m here I may as well look around.”

“Opportunity was always the more mature of the two,” said NASA.

NASA/JPL

UK Police Codename for Obama Raises Eyebrows

Do Brits think Barack Obama is a bit of a “smart alec”?

The label certainly appears to fit in the minds of British police. Scotland Yard, the UK’s police force, has given Obama the security codename ‘Chalaque’ for his visit this week to the United Kingdom, the UK Daily Mail reports. The term is reportedly a Punjabi word meaning someone who is too clever for his own good, according to the newspaper.

A Punjabi speaker told the newspaper that the word is ‘not considered rude’, but could be ‘mildly offensive’. “It is also said to mean ‘cheeky, crafty and cunning’,” the paper notes.

Not to be outdone, the Secret Service announced their codename for Queen Elizabeth is “Dried Up Old Bag,” and for Prince Charles “Proof of Inbreeding.”

While the codenames used by Scotland Yard are randomly computer generated, the Secret Service ponders over their selections for quite a while before settling on what they consider to be the perfect name. Regarding the Queen’s codename, an anonymous Secret Service source said the name “Should not be considered rude…oh, who am I kidding? It’s rude as hell!”

On a related note the Secret Service reports that they rejected a codename for the queen which was actually suggested by her son Prince Charles. The agents felt his suggestion of “Just Die Already,” was a tad too controversial, and would not have meant much to anyone but the prince.

Yahoo News

Dog Whisperer Writes Letter to Obama

In 1939,  Albert Einstein wrote a now famous letter to President Franklin D. Roosevelt urging the creation of the atomic bomb. Few letters in the history of man have had such history changing results.

Until now.

Cesar Millan, known around the world as The Dog Whisperer, has written a letter to President Barak Obama which is sure to have just as far-reaching an effect on the world as did Einstein’s before it. The White House today said it would not release the text of the letter on grounds of national security, but fortunately Things To Laugh About has obtained a copy via Wikileaks. Below is a transcript of the letter in it’s entirety.

Dear President Obama,

I have noticed that in recent months you have had less than ideal success when dealing with other world leaders. President Ali Abdullah Saleh of Yemen has refused to leave power as has Libyan dictator Moamer Kadhafi who have both pretty much laughed you off, and although Hosni Mubarak eventually left power in Egypt, he made sure to put you in your place several times before doing so..

I believe your technique in dealing with these people may be the problem, and I would like to offer you some suggestions.

  1. No touch, no talk, no eye contact. Begin every meeting this way, there by showing the world leader that you have no need of them even being there. You are the pack leader.
  2. Use a tennis racket to keep especially aggressive leaders at bay while you establish a calm, assertive, dominant demeanor.
  3. The occasional use of treats is an excellent motivator. When a leader acts in a manner you see as appropriate, give him a cruise missile or a million tons of grain.
  4. The walk is perhaps the most important method of regulating the behavior of a world leader. First, of course, you must acclimate him to the leash. If he is skittish about wearing the leash, simply put it on and take it off repeatedly, until he pays no more attention to it than he does to a unilateral U.N. declaration. Once he is wearing the leash comfortably, take him out for the walk remembering to hold the leash in a relaxed manner and to never let him walk beside or in front of you: you are the pack leader, and he must learn to walk behind you.
  5. Especially reluctant world leaders may need to wear the pinch collar. When you pull abruptly on it, it delivers what they perceive as a bite to the neck area, just as their mothers used to give them when teaching right from wrong.

With just these basic techniques, practiced consistently and always while being calm and assertive, you will begin to see the behavior of these world leaders change to the point where they are no longer a problem, but become the joy to have around that you have always hoped for.

I’ll check in on you in a few weeks to see how you are making out. Until then I offer you my best wishes and remind you to watch the Dog Whisperer, only on the National Geographic Channel.

Sincerely,
Cesar Milan

While President Obama offered no comment on the letter, reporters did reach Milan. When asked if he thought his letter was as important as Einstein’s he replied, “Well, my techniques are proven effective time and time again. And as far as Einstein,  I never saw him have a show on the National Geographic Channel. He never helped Ed McMahon or Howie Mandel. And he was always so disheveled-looking. I mean look at me! I’m one fine looking dude!”

Only time will tell if President Obama adopts Cesar’s techniques, although a high White House source has let it be known that the president went shopping for pinch collars on the internet moments after reading Millan’s letter.

Somali Pirates Tried in S. Korea for not being “Piratey” Enough

Not one peg leg visible among five "pirates"

SEOUL, South Korea – A South Korean court has begun a trial for five Somali pirates captured during a raid on a hijacked ship in the Arabian Sea.

The five were arrested in January after a team of South Korean commandos raided the seized South Korean-operated cargo ship and killed eight other pirates. The commando team reported right away that the crew of men were simply not acting “Piratey” enough.

Proper Pirate

“Not a single man wore an eye patch, had a peg leg, or was carrying around a cask of rum,” said Kim Fu Kew, leader of the commando raiders.

The men are charged with insufficient use of pirate stereotypes, failure to brandish cutlasses, refusal to shout “Aye, Matey,” and a “complete parrot deficiency.”

“How these wieners could even think of calling themselves pirates is beyond me,” said Fu Kew. “Do they know nothing of Johnny Depp?”

The trail opened to the defendants staring blankly as prosecutors repeatedly attempted to elicit a pirate-like response. Lead prosecutor Jong Dum Dum shouted at the men:  “Yo ho ho and a bottle of … and a bottle of… anything? Anything at all? I’ll make ye walk the… walk the what? The plank! The plank! Come on! You guys aren’t even trying!”

Officials at the Busan District Court say they will be seeking twenty lashes with a cat ‘o nine tails, or perhaps the dreaded keel-hauling penalty if the men are convicted.

Yahoo News

Scientists: Iceland’s Grimsvotn volcano erupts in case of Rapture

In an effort to promote a volcano whose name could be almost be pronounced, Icelandic scientists announced that Grisvotn, called Iceland’s most active volcano, has erupted. The eruption was timed to coincide with the announced date of Judgement Day, May 21, 2011, “just in case,” according to authorities.

Although not as massive as last year’s eruption of the tongue-rupturing Eyjafjallajokull volcano, air traffic is being rerouted to reduce the temptation to radical terrorists who, as we know, just love to fly into shit. “The plume of smoke has reached jet flying altitude and plans have been made for planes flying through Icelandic air control space to fly southwardly tonight,” said Hjordis Gudmundsdottir, the spokeswoman for Isavia, the company that operates and develops all airport facilities and air navigation services in Iceland. She said that she expected the southward detour might cause a “temporary rise in the population of Antarctica,” then challenged reporters to say her name three times real fast.

When asked what would happen if the Rapture did not occur, Gudmundsdottir said, “Well, we like to blow these babies out regularly anyway. Otherwise all Iceland has to be known for is Bjork, and that, frankly, is just embarrassing.”

Other nations staged natural disasters to cover their bases in case of final judgment, including New Zealand, who put up some decent earthquake numbers, coming in at a 6.1 on the Richter scale, while the U.S. managed only a 3.6 in San Francisco.

All that was left of Mr. Toothrottington

In a related story, reports of a “partial” rapture in England are being investigated. Smithworth Dewcrest, Britain’s Minister for End of Days, said that Martha Toothrottington of Manchester, was praying fervently in her front yard when all parts except her skeleton and kneeling pad vanished into the air.

Dewcrest said the Ministry for End of Days was “very disappointed with the effort,” feeling that Mrs. Toothrottington “just didn’t put her all into it.” He was, however, “bloody well pleased that an Englishwoman at least got part of the way there. Certainly no one in America did even this well.”

And finally, Harold Camping, who is now considered a frontrunner for the prestigious “Crackpot of the Year” Award, released a statement saying that he was “checking his math,” and that he would “likely use a calculator” for his next end of the world prediction.

Farmer Witness to Rapture?

Witness to Rapture

Tennessee farmer Dwight Twiddlepoker may have been a witness to the much talked about Rapture that was predicted to occur on Satuday, May 21. “At jess a bit after midnaught I let the dogs out fer the night and POOF…they was gone!” he told reporters.

Asked if he thought they were raptured he replied, “Well that’s wut I thought at first naturally. But no. They chased a coon off that thur cliff and landed at the bottom o’ the ravine, fitty feet down. Plop. Jess like that.”

Asked what he did then, Twiddlepoker replied, “I went inta the house an’ tolt my wife, ‘honey the dogs flew in the air and they’s in heaven now.'” He was asked what his wife’s reaction was to the news. “She went a runnin’ to the cliff, hollerin’ ‘I’m a comin’, Jesus!’ An’ right over she went, down the ravine, fitty feet. Plop.”

Asked if he was going to join the rapture parade, he replied, “I believe I jess ain’t worthy, so I’m gonna go in the house, have me some shine and watch the rest of Leno.”

Palin Has “Fire In Her Belly,” And Then Some

Palin Shows The Tornado in Her Right Arm

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin told Fox New Channel’s Greta van Susteren Thursday night that she has “the fire in my belly” to run for president in 2012, a comment that immediately re-vivified talk of a national bid by the 2008 vice presidential nominee. “I also have an earthquake in my left butt-cheek, a tsunami in my groin, an avalanche in my earlobe, a pile of leaves which may be covering a large rock in my shoulder and a pyroclastic flow in my pituitary gland.”

Palin then went on to say, “Now that Barak Obama his been killed in Pakistan, the need for new leadership is even greater than ever,” which caused an adviser to whisper “His name was Osama bin Laden!”

“It doesn’t matter what his name was. He was President of the United States and though I didn’t agree with his policies, he does deserve some respect,” Palin stated confidently.

“He was actually an international terrorist,” the adviser whispered.

“He was? How the hell did he get elected President, then?” The adviser replied with an audible face palm, and Palin continued.

“The important thing is that I have several natural disasters in several body parts, and that makes me the ideal candidate. For example, I have a flash flood in my spleen and gale-force winds in my…”

“Thank you, Ms. Palin! That will be all! No questions please.”