Botox Mom Vows Never to Give Her 8-Year-Old Botox Again

Happier Times: Kerry Campbell Sizes Up Daughter for Next Round of Improvements.

Kerry Campbell, mother of eight-year-old pageant veteran Britney, who lost custody of her daughter after revealing that she had given the child injections of Botox and so-called “virgin waxes” to prevent the growth of pubic hair, has vowed never to inject her daughter with Botox again.

Reportedly Campbell forced her daughter to undergo these treatments believing they would make her a better pageant contender, but now says she is sorry for doing so. “I honestly felt I was helping her. I regret doing it and remain committed to being a good mother and being reunited with my daughter,” she said. “But I want to take this opportunity to apologise to the world for my mistake. I vow never to give her Botox again.”

After a brief pause Campbell went on to say, “As soon as I get Britney back I will switch exclusively to Dypsort.” Dysport, a new botulism toxin product is touted as a quicker, cheaper and longer-lasting way to banish wrinkles. “I figure with the money I save I can afford to get her bariatric surgery, so she won’t be so damn fat. Then we’ll show those little pageant bitches what for!”

Village Voice

Chris Matthews on Sarah Palin: Profoundly Stupid

Chris Matthews

Matthews: Palin "Profoundly Stupid."

Chris Matthews, host of MSNBC’s Hardball, has once again made some very strong remarks at the expense of former Governor of Alaska and GOP Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. “I think Sarah Palin proved herself to be — I think she’s proven herself to be profoundly stupid,” Matthews said  in Los Angeles. “Her inability to answers the questions of Katie Couric, her inability of even now to explain if she ever reads anything.”

Palin: Matthews "Large Poopie-Head."

Palin, when asked to comment, replied “Chin Maddow is a large poopie-head.” When informed by a member of her retinue that the journalist’s name was actually Chris Matthews, Palin said, “I’m not here for name calling, so I don’t care what his name is. He’s a super jerk-face and I can see his butt from my house.”

When asked about the possibility of a run in 2112, Palin said, “With the quality of nylons today I expect a run much sooner.”

“I hope she doesn’t run for our good,” Matthews added.

Yahoo News

Laugh, Damn You!

So I’ve decided to start a humor blog, a blog in which it’s my job to be funny. Your job is just to laugh. You’ve got the easy part, unless you have some pathological inability to do so. In which case it will be my pleasure to laugh at you. No, no. Think nothing of it.

Now, how does one go about being funny? Well, probably the first step is to find something to be funny about. That’s easy. The world, with all it’s terror, death, war, genocide, pollution, global warming, and bad fashion decisions, is frickin’ hilarious. Furthermore I have lots of friends who say and do funny things. Most of them don’t have blogs, so I consider it my sacred duty to steal their funniness and appropriate it for my own use. That is called “democratic creativity,” or “petite larceny,” depending upon whose dictionary you use. I use a stolen one of those as well.

smiling dog

This dog has a better sense of humor than some of you!

I don’t expect everyone to laugh at what I write. This is because many people have no sense of humor and wouldn’t know something was funny if it was gnawing at their leg and had actually chewed everything up to the kneecap completely away. (Hint: that would be funny. At least to me.) I do, however, expect everyone to love and revere me. You can do this without laughing, if it makes you feel better.

Let me explain what I’ve done so far: I’ve done my very best to piss you off, dear reader. By insulting you in the name of humor, I have followed the steps of the immortal Don Rickles. (No, seriously…the dude is like 400 years old). But here’s the thing: I’m kidding! I don’t really think you’re a bunch of humorless, vapid, idiots! I’m just assuming you are. Big difference.

Now don’t worry. Not every post will be directed at you. There are lots of other people for me to talk about as well. Some topics might not even be about people at all. They might be about animals, or plants, but probably not about minerals, because they are by and large just dull.

So be sure to stop back.  What have you got to lose?