Scientists: Iceland’s Grimsvotn volcano erupts in case of Rapture

In an effort to promote a volcano whose name could be almost be pronounced, Icelandic scientists announced that Grisvotn, called Iceland’s most active volcano, has erupted. The eruption was timed to coincide with the announced date of Judgement Day, May 21, 2011, “just in case,” according to authorities.

Although not as massive as last year’s eruption of the tongue-rupturing Eyjafjallajokull volcano, air traffic is being rerouted to reduce the temptation to radical terrorists who, as we know, just love to fly into shit. “The plume of smoke has reached jet flying altitude and plans have been made for planes flying through Icelandic air control space to fly southwardly tonight,” said Hjordis Gudmundsdottir, the spokeswoman for Isavia, the company that operates and develops all airport facilities and air navigation services in Iceland. She said that she expected the southward detour might cause a “temporary rise in the population of Antarctica,” then challenged reporters to say her name three times real fast.

When asked what would happen if the Rapture did not occur, Gudmundsdottir said, “Well, we like to blow these babies out regularly anyway. Otherwise all Iceland has to be known for is Bjork, and that, frankly, is just embarrassing.”

Other nations staged natural disasters to cover their bases in case of final judgment, including New Zealand, who put up some decent earthquake numbers, coming in at a 6.1 on the Richter scale, while the U.S. managed only a 3.6 in San Francisco.

All that was left of Mr. Toothrottington

In a related story, reports of a “partial” rapture in England are being investigated. Smithworth Dewcrest, Britain’s Minister for End of Days, said that Martha Toothrottington of Manchester, was praying fervently in her front yard when all parts except her skeleton and kneeling pad vanished into the air.

Dewcrest said the Ministry for End of Days was “very disappointed with the effort,” feeling that Mrs. Toothrottington “just didn’t put her all into it.” He was, however, “bloody well pleased that an Englishwoman at least got part of the way there. Certainly no one in America did even this well.”

And finally, Harold Camping, who is now considered a frontrunner for the prestigious “Crackpot of the Year” Award, released a statement saying that he was “checking his math,” and that he would “likely use a calculator” for his next end of the world prediction.

Farmer Witness to Rapture?

Witness to Rapture

Tennessee farmer Dwight Twiddlepoker may have been a witness to the much talked about Rapture that was predicted to occur on Satuday, May 21. “At jess a bit after midnaught I let the dogs out fer the night and POOF…they was gone!” he told reporters.

Asked if he thought they were raptured he replied, “Well that’s wut I thought at first naturally. But no. They chased a coon off that thur cliff and landed at the bottom o’ the ravine, fitty feet down. Plop. Jess like that.”

Asked what he did then, Twiddlepoker replied, “I went inta the house an’ tolt my wife, ‘honey the dogs flew in the air and they’s in heaven now.'” He was asked what his wife’s reaction was to the news. “She went a runnin’ to the cliff, hollerin’ ‘I’m a comin’, Jesus!’ An’ right over she went, down the ravine, fitty feet. Plop.”

Asked if he was going to join the rapture parade, he replied, “I believe I jess ain’t worthy, so I’m gonna go in the house, have me some shine and watch the rest of Leno.”

Palin Has “Fire In Her Belly,” And Then Some

Palin Shows The Tornado in Her Right Arm

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin told Fox New Channel’s Greta van Susteren Thursday night that she has “the fire in my belly” to run for president in 2012, a comment that immediately re-vivified talk of a national bid by the 2008 vice presidential nominee. “I also have an earthquake in my left butt-cheek, a tsunami in my groin, an avalanche in my earlobe, a pile of leaves which may be covering a large rock in my shoulder and a pyroclastic flow in my pituitary gland.”

Palin then went on to say, “Now that Barak Obama his been killed in Pakistan, the need for new leadership is even greater than ever,” which caused an adviser to whisper “His name was Osama bin Laden!”

“It doesn’t matter what his name was. He was President of the United States and though I didn’t agree with his policies, he does deserve some respect,” Palin stated confidently.

“He was actually an international terrorist,” the adviser whispered.

“He was? How the hell did he get elected President, then?” The adviser replied with an audible face palm, and Palin continued.

“The important thing is that I have several natural disasters in several body parts, and that makes me the ideal candidate. For example, I have a flash flood in my spleen and gale-force winds in my…”

“Thank you, Ms. Palin! That will be all! No questions please.”

Meteoroligists Reveal Doppler Radar Actually Tracks Mold and Mildew

Huge Bands of Mold and Mildew Stalk Central New York State

In a surprise announcement today leading meteorologist, Chaim Drizzleschmo, announced that much to the shock and dismay of weathermen and women everywhere, Doppler radar had turned out to be a fundamentally flawed technology. After years of assuming that the bands of green shown on the screen indicated the location of storm  precipitation, an astute observer realized that it was actually showing huge masses of mold and mildew growing on the ground. Furthermore, it was discovered through watching the radar for extended periods of time, that these huge islands of decay are migrating across the land.

“We have no idea of their eventual destination,” admitted Drizzleschmo, “But some meteorologists have formed a theory that this may be linked with the Zombie Apocalypse, which has garnered so much attention of late. The mold masses may in fact be the prime motive force in early stage zombie necrogenesis. Of course the zombies take matters into their own hands (if they still have them) from that point forward.”

Is There Enough to Combate Walking Mold Epidemic?

Reaction from the public has been varied. Housewife and mother Melissa Cowbucker said, “I don’t know if there’s enough Lysol on the store shelves to deal with this. I’m certainly not looking forward to being overrun by a fifty-mile long island of walking mildew, but there’s only so much a woman can do. And if this actually is going to cause the rise of a zombie nation, I’m just not going to bother doing the dishes.”

On the other hand Mickey Twitenden, a twenty-two year old college student at Cornell University, said “I’m planning a rapture party for Judgement Day this coming Saturday. I’m actually sort of hoping one of this mold puppies wanders through. I think it would add an epic aura to the whole thing. And it could add a new dimension of challenge to beer pong.”

When asked if there were any recommendations for the public at large, Drizzleschmo said, “Hey. I’m a weatherman. What the hell do I know? The limit of the advice I’m capable of giving is as follows: bring an umbrella, make sure to leave for work a little early to compensate for the snowy roadways, and don’t drive through any standing water, as it is often impossible to judge how deep it is. Mold and mildew? I know nothing. Hell, i don’t even know if I can predict the weather anymore now that I know the radar is garbage.”

Pink Bands On Radar are Cotton Candy

Andrew Rigglebritches, the inventor of Doppler radar, could not be reached for comment, although his representative did release the following statement: “Ha, ha, ha. You idiots have been watching walking mildew for years!”

When asked about the bands of pink previously thought to represent snow on the radar, Drizzleschmo sadly shook his head and said only “Cotton candy.”

Botox Mom Vows Never to Give Her 8-Year-Old Botox Again

Happier Times: Kerry Campbell Sizes Up Daughter for Next Round of Improvements.

Kerry Campbell, mother of eight-year-old pageant veteran Britney, who lost custody of her daughter after revealing that she had given the child injections of Botox and so-called “virgin waxes” to prevent the growth of pubic hair, has vowed never to inject her daughter with Botox again.

Reportedly Campbell forced her daughter to undergo these treatments believing they would make her a better pageant contender, but now says she is sorry for doing so. “I honestly felt I was helping her. I regret doing it and remain committed to being a good mother and being reunited with my daughter,” she said. “But I want to take this opportunity to apologise to the world for my mistake. I vow never to give her Botox again.”

After a brief pause Campbell went on to say, “As soon as I get Britney back I will switch exclusively to Dypsort.” Dysport, a new botulism toxin product is touted as a quicker, cheaper and longer-lasting way to banish wrinkles. “I figure with the money I save I can afford to get her bariatric surgery, so she won’t be so damn fat. Then we’ll show those little pageant bitches what for!”

Village Voice

Chris Matthews on Sarah Palin: Profoundly Stupid

Chris Matthews

Matthews: Palin "Profoundly Stupid."

Chris Matthews, host of MSNBC’s Hardball, has once again made some very strong remarks at the expense of former Governor of Alaska and GOP Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. “I think Sarah Palin proved herself to be — I think she’s proven herself to be profoundly stupid,” Matthews said  in Los Angeles. “Her inability to answers the questions of Katie Couric, her inability of even now to explain if she ever reads anything.”

Palin: Matthews "Large Poopie-Head."

Palin, when asked to comment, replied “Chin Maddow is a large poopie-head.” When informed by a member of her retinue that the journalist’s name was actually Chris Matthews, Palin said, “I’m not here for name calling, so I don’t care what his name is. He’s a super jerk-face and I can see his butt from my house.”

When asked about the possibility of a run in 2112, Palin said, “With the quality of nylons today I expect a run much sooner.”

“I hope she doesn’t run for our good,” Matthews added.

Yahoo News

Laugh, Damn You!

So I’ve decided to start a humor blog, a blog in which it’s my job to be funny. Your job is just to laugh. You’ve got the easy part, unless you have some pathological inability to do so. In which case it will be my pleasure to laugh at you. No, no. Think nothing of it.

Now, how does one go about being funny? Well, probably the first step is to find something to be funny about. That’s easy. The world, with all it’s terror, death, war, genocide, pollution, global warming, and bad fashion decisions, is frickin’ hilarious. Furthermore I have lots of friends who say and do funny things. Most of them don’t have blogs, so I consider it my sacred duty to steal their funniness and appropriate it for my own use. That is called “democratic creativity,” or “petite larceny,” depending upon whose dictionary you use. I use a stolen one of those as well.

smiling dog

This dog has a better sense of humor than some of you!

I don’t expect everyone to laugh at what I write. This is because many people have no sense of humor and wouldn’t know something was funny if it was gnawing at their leg and had actually chewed everything up to the kneecap completely away. (Hint: that would be funny. At least to me.) I do, however, expect everyone to love and revere me. You can do this without laughing, if it makes you feel better.

Let me explain what I’ve done so far: I’ve done my very best to piss you off, dear reader. By insulting you in the name of humor, I have followed the steps of the immortal Don Rickles. (No, seriously…the dude is like 400 years old). But here’s the thing: I’m kidding! I don’t really think you’re a bunch of humorless, vapid, idiots! I’m just assuming you are. Big difference.

Now don’t worry. Not every post will be directed at you. There are lots of other people for me to talk about as well. Some topics might not even be about people at all. They might be about animals, or plants, but probably not about minerals, because they are by and large just dull.

So be sure to stop back.  What have you got to lose?