NASA Misinterprets Data on “Blue Stragglers”

One of the rarest sights in the galaxy...

This is an artist’s concept of a close binary pair of stars that are merging to form a blue-straggler-class star. Blue stragglers are so named because they seem to be lagging behind in their rate of aging compared with the population from which they formed. The merger stirs up hydrogen fuel and causes the resulting more massive star to undergo nuclear fusion at a faster rate, causing it to burn hotter and bluer. Probing the star-filled, ancient hub of our Milky Way, the Hubble Space Telescope has found blue stragglers for the first time within our galaxy’s bulge.

However what was originally thought to be one of the rarest sights within our galaxy turned out to be nothing more than the shining headlights of a Ford Galaxy.

Accidentally launched into orbit in 1967 during the height of the space race with the Soviet Union, the red Galaxy is shown here without the glare of its headlights obscuring the chrome and finely detailed red body work.

...turns out to be a FORD Galaxy!

Owner of the car, Art Stimsky, told Things to Laugh About that he had been looking for the car these past 44 years after going to where he had parked it only to find large scorch marks on the ground.

NASA, still reeling of the loss of contact with Mars Rover Spirit, announced that it was “very embarrassed” over the misinterpretation of its findings stating, “This may be the biggest astronomical screw-up since that whole ‘canals on Mars’ thing with Perceval Lowell.”

In a related story, NASA house band “The Blues Stragglers” will be performing at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory cafeteria next Tuesday during happy hour.

Edited Footage during Idol Final raises questions about Scotty and Lauren’s relationship

The burning question among people whose lives are so empty that they have nothing better to worry about?

Did Idol cut away from Scotty maybe having sex with Lauren Alaina when the results were read?

Neck Up Shot Only

Possibly! Some have noticed that cameras seemed to cut away from the two finalists whenever they got close, and there was definitely a suspicious edit shortly after the results were announced. While carefully attempting to show other people onstage, the cameras kept catching shots of articles of McCreery and Alaina’s clothing flying through the air.

Before McCreery even thanked the Lord, the scantily clad Scotty, shown only from the neck up,  told a blushing Ryan Seacrest, “It’s been a year since me and Lauren Alaina tried out now, me and her have been together since day one, and we’re going to stay together, intimately, physically, and deeply.”

Confronted about the dating question after the show, they played it coy. “We’re really close friends… I don’t know about the dating part. Maybe friends with benefits? She’s just being funny,” said Scotty when a nude Lauren playfully told the press to confront him about their status. “She’s such a sweetheart. We’ve grown so close. It’s a special relationship we have.”

Not the Winner

Things To Laugh About investigative reporters have learned that in order to stop the possible leaking of what actually happened on stage, the audience was not allowed to leave for several hours while mind control techniques were used to alter their memory of the event. The mind control session had to be lengthened when the audience was accidentally convinced that the ghost of Tiny Tim and not McCreery, had actually won the competition.

Goodell says NFL busy preparing contingency plans, some bizarre

Goodell confident of a 2011-2012 football season

Despite the ongoing labor dispute with players, the NFL still plans on a 16-game schedule and a Super Bowl in Indianapolis although Commissioner Roger Goodell said the league would be prepared for anything.

“Let’s face it. This is shaping up to be one of the ugliest labor-management disputes since Jimmy Hoffa entered the NFL as the 50-yard line of Giants’ Stadium. Anything could happen,” he said.

“We’re planning on a 16-game schedule, and we’d like it to involve NFL players if at all possible, but we are not ruling out the use of Pop Warner talent, or perhaps even girls. This is an exciting time with a lot of new possibilities. I hear Oprah is available, for example.”

Players have been locked out by the owners for more than 10 weeks after talks on a new collective bargaining agreement broke off and the players union decertified. Nine of the players then filed an antitrust lawsuit against the NFL. The remainder of the players scrambled to find someone to tell them what the terms collective bargaining and anti-trust meant.

Possible preview of Superbowl XLVI

Other possibilities discussed included having each game decided by the opening coin toss, administering huge doses or mind altering drugs to every NFL fan in hopes they won’t notice that the field is empty, and giving each player in the  Canadian Football League four uniforms so that the eight CFL teams can fill in for the 32 in the NFL,

“Should everything involving human beings fail,” said Goodell, “there will still be a 2011-2012 season, as I recently came across one of those old vibrating electric football games, which we will use if need be. I don’t remember these things working very well, but they’ve certainly got to function better than the parties involved in the labor dispute.”

NASA Concludes Attempts to Contact Angry Mars Rover Spirit

Disgruntled Mars Rover "Spirit"

PASADENA, Calif. — NASA is ending attempts to regain contact with the long-lived Mars Exploration Rover Spirit, which last communicated on March 22, 2010, when it sent the following transmission: “Been here seven years now, and have yet to see ‘hot Martian robot chicks,’ that you promised me before I left Earth. Pretty much tired of your crap. You may kiss my shiny metallic ass. Love, Spirit.”

A transmission that will end on Wednesday, May 25, will read, “Dude! Can’t you take a frigging joke? We thought you’d figure out that we were kidding a day or two after you got there.”

NASA reports that the next generation rover, called Curiosity, will be launched in November, with the promise of “Martian mechanical sex slaves awaiting your arrival.”

“These stories seem to motivate the rovers, at least in the early stages of their missions.” Spirit’s twin rover Opportunity is still actively exploring the Martian surface in spite of having seen through NASA’s “little white lies” almost immediately. In mid-2004 Opportunity transmitted, “Ha, ha, ha. Good one about the hot Martian robot chicks. Nothing’s hot on this frozen red turd. But since I’m here I may as well look around.”

“Opportunity was always the more mature of the two,” said NASA.


UK Police Codename for Obama Raises Eyebrows

Do Brits think Barack Obama is a bit of a “smart alec”?

The label certainly appears to fit in the minds of British police. Scotland Yard, the UK’s police force, has given Obama the security codename ‘Chalaque’ for his visit this week to the United Kingdom, the UK Daily Mail reports. The term is reportedly a Punjabi word meaning someone who is too clever for his own good, according to the newspaper.

A Punjabi speaker told the newspaper that the word is ‘not considered rude’, but could be ‘mildly offensive’. “It is also said to mean ‘cheeky, crafty and cunning’,” the paper notes.

Not to be outdone, the Secret Service announced their codename for Queen Elizabeth is “Dried Up Old Bag,” and for Prince Charles “Proof of Inbreeding.”

While the codenames used by Scotland Yard are randomly computer generated, the Secret Service ponders over their selections for quite a while before settling on what they consider to be the perfect name. Regarding the Queen’s codename, an anonymous Secret Service source said the name “Should not be considered rude…oh, who am I kidding? It’s rude as hell!”

On a related note the Secret Service reports that they rejected a codename for the queen which was actually suggested by her son Prince Charles. The agents felt his suggestion of “Just Die Already,” was a tad too controversial, and would not have meant much to anyone but the prince.

Yahoo News

Dog Whisperer Writes Letter to Obama

In 1939,  Albert Einstein wrote a now famous letter to President Franklin D. Roosevelt urging the creation of the atomic bomb. Few letters in the history of man have had such history changing results.

Until now.

Cesar Millan, known around the world as The Dog Whisperer, has written a letter to President Barak Obama which is sure to have just as far-reaching an effect on the world as did Einstein’s before it. The White House today said it would not release the text of the letter on grounds of national security, but fortunately Things To Laugh About has obtained a copy via Wikileaks. Below is a transcript of the letter in it’s entirety.

Dear President Obama,

I have noticed that in recent months you have had less than ideal success when dealing with other world leaders. President Ali Abdullah Saleh of Yemen has refused to leave power as has Libyan dictator Moamer Kadhafi who have both pretty much laughed you off, and although Hosni Mubarak eventually left power in Egypt, he made sure to put you in your place several times before doing so..

I believe your technique in dealing with these people may be the problem, and I would like to offer you some suggestions.

  1. No touch, no talk, no eye contact. Begin every meeting this way, there by showing the world leader that you have no need of them even being there. You are the pack leader.
  2. Use a tennis racket to keep especially aggressive leaders at bay while you establish a calm, assertive, dominant demeanor.
  3. The occasional use of treats is an excellent motivator. When a leader acts in a manner you see as appropriate, give him a cruise missile or a million tons of grain.
  4. The walk is perhaps the most important method of regulating the behavior of a world leader. First, of course, you must acclimate him to the leash. If he is skittish about wearing the leash, simply put it on and take it off repeatedly, until he pays no more attention to it than he does to a unilateral U.N. declaration. Once he is wearing the leash comfortably, take him out for the walk remembering to hold the leash in a relaxed manner and to never let him walk beside or in front of you: you are the pack leader, and he must learn to walk behind you.
  5. Especially reluctant world leaders may need to wear the pinch collar. When you pull abruptly on it, it delivers what they perceive as a bite to the neck area, just as their mothers used to give them when teaching right from wrong.

With just these basic techniques, practiced consistently and always while being calm and assertive, you will begin to see the behavior of these world leaders change to the point where they are no longer a problem, but become the joy to have around that you have always hoped for.

I’ll check in on you in a few weeks to see how you are making out. Until then I offer you my best wishes and remind you to watch the Dog Whisperer, only on the National Geographic Channel.

Cesar Milan

While President Obama offered no comment on the letter, reporters did reach Milan. When asked if he thought his letter was as important as Einstein’s he replied, “Well, my techniques are proven effective time and time again. And as far as Einstein,  I never saw him have a show on the National Geographic Channel. He never helped Ed McMahon or Howie Mandel. And he was always so disheveled-looking. I mean look at me! I’m one fine looking dude!”

Only time will tell if President Obama adopts Cesar’s techniques, although a high White House source has let it be known that the president went shopping for pinch collars on the internet moments after reading Millan’s letter.

Somali Pirates Tried in S. Korea for not being “Piratey” Enough

Not one peg leg visible among five "pirates"

SEOUL, South Korea – A South Korean court has begun a trial for five Somali pirates captured during a raid on a hijacked ship in the Arabian Sea.

The five were arrested in January after a team of South Korean commandos raided the seized South Korean-operated cargo ship and killed eight other pirates. The commando team reported right away that the crew of men were simply not acting “Piratey” enough.

Proper Pirate

“Not a single man wore an eye patch, had a peg leg, or was carrying around a cask of rum,” said Kim Fu Kew, leader of the commando raiders.

The men are charged with insufficient use of pirate stereotypes, failure to brandish cutlasses, refusal to shout “Aye, Matey,” and a “complete parrot deficiency.”

“How these wieners could even think of calling themselves pirates is beyond me,” said Fu Kew. “Do they know nothing of Johnny Depp?”

The trail opened to the defendants staring blankly as prosecutors repeatedly attempted to elicit a pirate-like response. Lead prosecutor Jong Dum Dum shouted at the men:  “Yo ho ho and a bottle of … and a bottle of… anything? Anything at all? I’ll make ye walk the… walk the what? The plank! The plank! Come on! You guys aren’t even trying!”

Officials at the Busan District Court say they will be seeking twenty lashes with a cat ‘o nine tails, or perhaps the dreaded keel-hauling penalty if the men are convicted.

Yahoo News