California university students protest party name


Serious drinking faces serious protest. Drinking should win out in the end.

Serious drinking faces serious protest. Drinking should win out in the end.

DAVIS, Calif. (AP) — Students at the University of California, Davis, have cancelled plans for a drinking party dubbed Cinco de Drinko, after protesters called it racially insensitive. Faculty expressed disappointment with the protesters saying, “Students just don’t recognize the sanctity of a good drinking party anymore. They look for any reason to protest.”

Organizers of the party said that they meant no disrespect to the Mexicans recognizing, “that they are some mighty drinkers themselves, and would no doubt approve of our activities.”

The Sacramento Bee reported that about 100 students enacted a sit-in at the Coffee House, wearing red shirts and chanting slogans such as “One, two, three, four, no Mexicans passed out on the floor.”  They called for a boycott of the student-run cafe and cafeteria, successfully scuttling plans for the off-campus party.

“If they had organized in support of the party, a good time could have been had by all,” said professor Ned Donnegan, looking very disappointed. That the faculty seemed more put off than the students seemed lost on the protesters, but not on the party organizers. “Our faculty recognize a good thing when they see it. Racism had nothing to do with it. It was to be about alcohol in excess. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Condoleezza Rice Bails on Rutgers Commencement After Protests


In happier times when she did not risk getting rubbed out, Condy gives a speech.

In happier times when she did not risk getting rubbed out, Condy gives a speech.

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice backed out of a planned address at Rutgers University’s commencement ceremony following a week in which student protestors staged sits-in. Numerous faculty members also spoke out against the honor. Rice was scheduled to receive $35,000 for her speech and also snag a coveted Doctor of Letters from the New Jersey institution.  “You don’t mess with people in New Jersey,” said Rice. “Did you ever watch the Sopranos?”

Rice said she couldn’t risk getting whacked while delivering her $35 grand speech. “I’m an important persons and I just can’t run the risk of ending up sleeping with the fishes for the sake of a speech and a fake diploma. I can get a Doctor of Letters from the internet without having to risk my neck.”

When asked if she was over reacting to a group of students staging sit-ins, Rice replied, “Sure they’re sitting in, like at a nice restaurant, where you’re minding your business, then BAM, out of no where Nunzio the Knuckle Bonano shows up and shoots you in the face.”

Rice also stated she would not speak at the University of Nebraska because there were too many cows in the area. “I don’t trust them, with their big eyes and their mooing,” she said.

High school senior class prank leads to 62 arrests


Police about to discover that the doorknobs have been coated in Vaseline. It took several minutes for them to overcome this hurdle.

Police about to discover that the doorknobs have been coated in Vaseline. It took several minutes for them to overcome this hurdle.

TEANECK, N.J. (AP) — Sixty-two students were arrested Thursday after police said they broke into their high school overnight for a senior class prank, urinating in hallways, greasing doorknobs with petroleum jelly and taping hot dogs to lockers. “We probably would have let it slide if the hot dogs had been kosher,” said Officer Ken Usee, “But they used those ones that make the water red when you boil them. They’re just gross.” Police were unable to respond to the call at first because of the Vaseline on the doorknobs. “We just couldn’t get in there, those clever little rascals.”

Police said officers responding to a burglar alarm at Teaneck High School shortly after 2 a.m. also found desks flipped over, chairs broken, graffiti on the walls, silly string on the floors and balloons throughout the building. “The balloons added a festive feeling to the vandalism,” said Usee.

Even before they went inside, police said, officers could see many students through the building’s windows. “They weren’t big on discretion. It still took us a while to determine whether or not these students were the vandals or just concerned kids attempting to clean up after their classmates.”

He said the students told officers that it was a senior prank — an annual tradition at the northern New Jersey school of 1,300 students, though it is usually not this involved. As they were arrested, Carney said, some students were scared but others were laughing. Still others were talking to imaginary rabbits. “These were the ones that concerned us,” Usee said.

“If this was a senior class prank, I just don’t believe that a lot of them realize the seriousness of it as far as breaking into the building,” Sgt. John Garland said. “That’s a burglary and I don’t think they understand that. It’s a very serious offense. I could tell because they kept saying ‘This is not a very serious offense.” “

Pinsak said the school was cleaned up in time for classes on Thursday. The hot dogs were used for lunch.

Solved! How Ancient Egyptians Moved Massive Pyramid Stones

A camel, called the F-150 of the desert, was not used to move pyramid stones.

A camel, called the F-150 of the desert, was not used to move pyramid stones.

After years of speculation it has finally been revealed how the ancient Egyptians moved the massive stones that were used to construct the pyramids.  Daniel Bonn, a physics professor at the University of Amsterdam, released a report which conclusively proves that the stones were moved using Ford F-150’s. “There has been a lot of speculation that the Egyptians used Chevy Silverados or Toyota Tundras, but our research shows that it had to be the popular F-150.”

This contradicts other research which stated that the workers  pulled weighty objects on a giant sled over desert sand, and discovered that dampening the sand in front of the primitive device reduces friction on the sled, making it easier to operate, and that UFO’s used levitation rays to help the ancients build the famous structures.

“Only Ford had the horsepower and rugged construction needed to move the mighty stones,” said Bonn. When asked how the Egyptians used trucks thousands of years prior to the invention of the internal combustion engine, Bonn replied, “Sticks and stones. Don’t be a buzz kill. This is solid research.”

Other experts disagree with Bonn. Circus performer Mile Van der Veek puts forth the theory that trampolines were used. “They just had to pick the stone up one time and throw it on the first trampoline, from whence it bounced on continually bigger trampolines until it reached the desired location.” When asked what business a circus performer had posting theories on archaeological issues, Van der Veek replied, “Just as much as a physics professor does to talk about pickup trucks being used.”

The debate eventually devolved into a fist fight with Bonn scoring an upset victory, settling the questions once and for all. “By the power of my mighty right hand, it was the F-150 and no other,” he shouted.

Virginia Officials Fight to Curb Bar-B-Q at Train Wreck Site

Flames rise into the sky as Virginians rush to Bar-B-Q gophers.

Flames rise into the sky as Virginians rush to Bar-B-Q gophers.

After a train crashed and burst into flames officials in Virginia had to mobilize to curtail a rush of locals who gathered to use the flames to bar-b-q their dinner. Several gophers, muskrats and weasels were confiscated as toothless denizens ran toward the burning train.

“We’ve learned to expect this sort of thing,” said Bruce Bentricle, Commissioner of Illegal Cooking at Sites of Public Disaster. “People around here just love their barbecue. It’s very hard to keep them away from an open flame of any kind. When asked if this sort of thing had happened often, Bentricle replied, “Why do you think we have a Commissioner of Illegal Cooking at Sites of Public Disaster? This sort of thing happens all the time. Not only the barbecue, but the train wrecks as well. We think the engineers are in cahoots with the gopher cookers.”

Also on the scene was Director for the Institute for the Study of Intentional Train Wrecks, Myron Pockmyer, who said, “Virginia is just a magnet for this sort of thing. You can’t even get a train from point a to point b without someone derailing it in hopes of causing a fire so a bunch of inbred so and so’s can cook their road kill over it.”

Oklahoma Misunderstands Lethal Injection Cocktail


This happy fellow had to complete his own execution when Oklahoma doctors botched the job.

This happy fellow had to complete his own execution when Oklahoma doctors botched the job.

OKLAHOMA CITY (Reuters) – Oklahoma inmate Clayton Lockett died during a botched execution on Tuesday, minutes after a doctor had called a halt to the procedure, raising more questions about new death penalty cocktails used by the state and others. Dr. Bodie O. Dough said, “I first tried a Mai Thai, then a Singapore Sling, finally settling on a Sex On The Beach.” It was apparent that the doctor completely misunderstood the meaning of “cocktail” in this case.

Lockett died of an apparent massive heart attack about 40 minutes after the procedure started, he said. “We were very grateful that he saw fit to complete the job that we had a tidge of difficulty with.”

The troubled execution was expected to have national implications, with lawyers for death row inmates having argued that new lethal injection cocktails used in Oklahoma and other states could cause undue suffering and violate constitutional protections against cruel and unusual punishment.

“This could be a real turning point in the whole debate as people get disgusted by this sort of thing,” said Richard Dieter, the executive director of the Death Penalty Information Center, which monitors capital punishment. “I guess the act of hiring doctors who worked their way through med school as bartenders is not a good idea. Someone should tell Oklahoma that it could cause confusion with wide reaching implications.”

Donald Sterling Branches Out

Sterling thinking up other races to insult.

Sterling thinking up other races to insult.

Sensitive to the criticism he had drawn for his anti-African American statements, Donald Sterling today decided to sling racial epitaphs at other groups as well. “I don’t want you to bring any Eskimos, Chinese people or Native Americans to my games either,” he said. “Jews and Palestinians, forget it. I must own a few of those too, don’t I. I’m paying them, buying them houses and expensive Playstation 4’s. Don’t talk to me about it. And those North Koreans. Forget it. Don’t let me catch any of them in the arena.”

TTLA obtained exclusive audio of the Clippers owner running through a veritable check list of people to insult in a vain attempt to not be seen as being prejudiced against blacks. “Australians. I’ve had it with them.”

As of game time tonight the United Nations had condemned Sterling for his across the board racism and recommended that his franchise be taken away from him and given to a blind women from Venice Beach who doesn’t appear to dislike anyone.