Bolivia mayor apologizes for grabbing woman on TV

Bolivian mayor is way off in attempting to grab reporter's boob.

Bolivian mayor is way off in attempting to grab reporter’s boob.

LA PAZ, Bolivia (AP) — The mayor of Bolivia’s largest city has had to make a televised apology after grabbing the thigh of a woman during a broadcast event.

Santa Cruz Mayor Percy Fernandez appeared on television Monday night to express “anguish for this mess that’s been created.” He said he had not intended to offend journalist Mercedes Guzman, “nor have I done so.” He did not specifically apologize for touching her. “I apologize for not grabbing her boob, which is what I intended to do.”

Television images show Guzman holding a microphone in one hand and struggling to lift the mayor’s hand from her thigh with the other during a public appearance last week. “I was disgusted by his fat, greasy sausage fingers all over my silky thigh,” said Guzman.

“She loved it,” countered Fernandez.

Several legislators, journalists’ organizations and women’s rights activists denounced the 75-year-old mayor and Guzman’s husband Marco Antonio Espindola threatened to bring a legal complaint if the mayor did not apologize.

“Even the schoolmates of my son in primary school heard about this event and my adolescent son had to put up with uncomfortable questions at his school,” Espindola said. “It shamed my family.” Questions such as “Why is your mommy such a whore,” were tossed at the young Espindola boy.

While Guzman’s family has not presented a criminal complaint, opposition legislator Marcela Revollo Fernandez on Monday filed a complaint in the nation’s capital, La Paz, accusing the mayor of sexual harassment, sexual violence and discrimination,” charges that potentially would lead to as many as four years in prison. “For grabbing a chippie?” Fernandez asked. “That’s ridiculous. I didn’t even get boob like I wanted.”

Fernandez has been mayor of the city of more than 1 million several times and has lately supported President Evo Morales, who in February called him the country’s best mayor. “Nobody grabs women like Fernandez does,” said Morales.

Monica Lewinsky opens up on affair with Clinton


Monica Lewinsky poses for photographers as she talks about her affair with President Clinton.

Monica Lewinsky poses for photographers as she talks about her affair with President Clinton.

WASHINGTON (AP) — Monica Lewinsky says there’s no question her boss — Bill Clinton — “took advantage” of her when he was president. “He used my toothpaste and never put the top back on,” she ranted. “He scratched my records and put spinach dip all over my porn.”

But she says their affair was consensual and if there was any abuse involved, it came afterward, when Clinton’s inner circle tried to discredit her and the president’s opponents used her as a political pawn. “I wanted to be a political rook,” she explained.

The former White House intern, now 40, writes about her life in the next issue of Vanity Fair magazine, out this month. In released excerpts, she says she’s perhaps the first Internet era scapegoat and wants to speak out on behalf of other victims of online humiliation. “All those high school girls who get called ‘gross’ on the internet…my heart goes out to you,” she said.

Her willingness to step forward may come at an inopportune time as former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton considers running for president. Republicans have signaled they don’t consider her husband’s scandal from the late 1990s out of bounds in the realm of 2016-style political dialogue. “Hillary should have tossed in the towel when Bill and I were hot and heavy. She knows she’s his second choice, just because she ended up with him and I got left out in the cold like an abandoned dog,” Lewinsky told reporters.

Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul, a likely GOP presidential contender, answered criticisms of the Republican record on women’s issues by saying in January that the last Democratic president engaged in “predatory behavior” with a woman, Lewinsky, who was 22 when her liaisons with Clinton began in 1995. Clinton’s lies about the relationship contributed to his impeachment by the House in 1998; the Senate acquitted him, saying Lewinsky was not hot enough to constitute a threat to the nation.

Lewinsky writes that she deeply regrets the affair and made a point of staying silent through several presidential campaigns to avoid becoming a distraction. Now, she writes, it’s time to stop “tiptoeing around my past — and other people’s futures. I am determined to have a different ending to my story. I’ve decided, finally, to stick my head above the parapet.” Republican snipers couldn’t be happier.

California university students protest party name


Serious drinking faces serious protest. Drinking should win out in the end.

Serious drinking faces serious protest. Drinking should win out in the end.

DAVIS, Calif. (AP) — Students at the University of California, Davis, have cancelled plans for a drinking party dubbed Cinco de Drinko, after protesters called it racially insensitive. Faculty expressed disappointment with the protesters saying, “Students just don’t recognize the sanctity of a good drinking party anymore. They look for any reason to protest.”

Organizers of the party said that they meant no disrespect to the Mexicans recognizing, “that they are some mighty drinkers themselves, and would no doubt approve of our activities.”

The Sacramento Bee reported that about 100 students enacted a sit-in at the Coffee House, wearing red shirts and chanting slogans such as “One, two, three, four, no Mexicans passed out on the floor.”  They called for a boycott of the student-run cafe and cafeteria, successfully scuttling plans for the off-campus party.

“If they had organized in support of the party, a good time could have been had by all,” said professor Ned Donnegan, looking very disappointed. That the faculty seemed more put off than the students seemed lost on the protesters, but not on the party organizers. “Our faculty recognize a good thing when they see it. Racism had nothing to do with it. It was to be about alcohol in excess. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Condoleezza Rice Bails on Rutgers Commencement After Protests


In happier times when she did not risk getting rubbed out, Condy gives a speech.

In happier times when she did not risk getting rubbed out, Condy gives a speech.

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice backed out of a planned address at Rutgers University’s commencement ceremony following a week in which student protestors staged sits-in. Numerous faculty members also spoke out against the honor. Rice was scheduled to receive $35,000 for her speech and also snag a coveted Doctor of Letters from the New Jersey institution.  “You don’t mess with people in New Jersey,” said Rice. “Did you ever watch the Sopranos?”

Rice said she couldn’t risk getting whacked while delivering her $35 grand speech. “I’m an important persons and I just can’t run the risk of ending up sleeping with the fishes for the sake of a speech and a fake diploma. I can get a Doctor of Letters from the internet without having to risk my neck.”

When asked if she was over reacting to a group of students staging sit-ins, Rice replied, “Sure they’re sitting in, like at a nice restaurant, where you’re minding your business, then BAM, out of no where Nunzio the Knuckle Bonano shows up and shoots you in the face.”

Rice also stated she would not speak at the University of Nebraska because there were too many cows in the area. “I don’t trust them, with their big eyes and their mooing,” she said.

High school senior class prank leads to 62 arrests


Police about to discover that the doorknobs have been coated in Vaseline. It took several minutes for them to overcome this hurdle.

Police about to discover that the doorknobs have been coated in Vaseline. It took several minutes for them to overcome this hurdle.

TEANECK, N.J. (AP) — Sixty-two students were arrested Thursday after police said they broke into their high school overnight for a senior class prank, urinating in hallways, greasing doorknobs with petroleum jelly and taping hot dogs to lockers. “We probably would have let it slide if the hot dogs had been kosher,” said Officer Ken Usee, “But they used those ones that make the water red when you boil them. They’re just gross.” Police were unable to respond to the call at first because of the Vaseline on the doorknobs. “We just couldn’t get in there, those clever little rascals.”

Police said officers responding to a burglar alarm at Teaneck High School shortly after 2 a.m. also found desks flipped over, chairs broken, graffiti on the walls, silly string on the floors and balloons throughout the building. “The balloons added a festive feeling to the vandalism,” said Usee.

Even before they went inside, police said, officers could see many students through the building’s windows. “They weren’t big on discretion. It still took us a while to determine whether or not these students were the vandals or just concerned kids attempting to clean up after their classmates.”

He said the students told officers that it was a senior prank — an annual tradition at the northern New Jersey school of 1,300 students, though it is usually not this involved. As they were arrested, Carney said, some students were scared but others were laughing. Still others were talking to imaginary rabbits. “These were the ones that concerned us,” Usee said.

“If this was a senior class prank, I just don’t believe that a lot of them realize the seriousness of it as far as breaking into the building,” Sgt. John Garland said. “That’s a burglary and I don’t think they understand that. It’s a very serious offense. I could tell because they kept saying ‘This is not a very serious offense.” “

Pinsak said the school was cleaned up in time for classes on Thursday. The hot dogs were used for lunch.

Solved! How Ancient Egyptians Moved Massive Pyramid Stones

A camel, called the F-150 of the desert, was not used to move pyramid stones.

A camel, called the F-150 of the desert, was not used to move pyramid stones.

After years of speculation it has finally been revealed how the ancient Egyptians moved the massive stones that were used to construct the pyramids.  Daniel Bonn, a physics professor at the University of Amsterdam, released a report which conclusively proves that the stones were moved using Ford F-150’s. “There has been a lot of speculation that the Egyptians used Chevy Silverados or Toyota Tundras, but our research shows that it had to be the popular F-150.”

This contradicts other research which stated that the workers  pulled weighty objects on a giant sled over desert sand, and discovered that dampening the sand in front of the primitive device reduces friction on the sled, making it easier to operate, and that UFO’s used levitation rays to help the ancients build the famous structures.

“Only Ford had the horsepower and rugged construction needed to move the mighty stones,” said Bonn. When asked how the Egyptians used trucks thousands of years prior to the invention of the internal combustion engine, Bonn replied, “Sticks and stones. Don’t be a buzz kill. This is solid research.”

Other experts disagree with Bonn. Circus performer Mile Van der Veek puts forth the theory that trampolines were used. “They just had to pick the stone up one time and throw it on the first trampoline, from whence it bounced on continually bigger trampolines until it reached the desired location.” When asked what business a circus performer had posting theories on archaeological issues, Van der Veek replied, “Just as much as a physics professor does to talk about pickup trucks being used.”

The debate eventually devolved into a fist fight with Bonn scoring an upset victory, settling the questions once and for all. “By the power of my mighty right hand, it was the F-150 and no other,” he shouted.

Virginia Officials Fight to Curb Bar-B-Q at Train Wreck Site

Flames rise into the sky as Virginians rush to Bar-B-Q gophers.

Flames rise into the sky as Virginians rush to Bar-B-Q gophers.

After a train crashed and burst into flames officials in Virginia had to mobilize to curtail a rush of locals who gathered to use the flames to bar-b-q their dinner. Several gophers, muskrats and weasels were confiscated as toothless denizens ran toward the burning train.

“We’ve learned to expect this sort of thing,” said Bruce Bentricle, Commissioner of Illegal Cooking at Sites of Public Disaster. “People around here just love their barbecue. It’s very hard to keep them away from an open flame of any kind. When asked if this sort of thing had happened often, Bentricle replied, “Why do you think we have a Commissioner of Illegal Cooking at Sites of Public Disaster? This sort of thing happens all the time. Not only the barbecue, but the train wrecks as well. We think the engineers are in cahoots with the gopher cookers.”

Also on the scene was Director for the Institute for the Study of Intentional Train Wrecks, Myron Pockmyer, who said, “Virginia is just a magnet for this sort of thing. You can’t even get a train from point a to point b without someone derailing it in hopes of causing a fire so a bunch of inbred so and so’s can cook their road kill over it.”