Ask Mr. Science

paul_science

Q. Mr. Science, why does the moon look so much bigger when it is close to the horizon?
– Anonymous (Actual name  Anna Jean Lumpkin, E. Garfield Ave, Decater, IL)

A. I’m glad you asked that. So glad, in fact, that I’ve decided to answer you.When you look at ing-butternut-squash_sqlthe moon when it’s high in the sky, it appears to be roughly the size of a dime. When it is closer to the horizon, it appears to be closer to the size of a quarter. Ha, ha, ha. You’re ignorant! In reality it’s neither. The moon is actually the size of a regulation NBA basketball. It is also the color of a basketball, complete with the little lines and Adam Silver’s signature and stuff. (Forgive me for dropping that last word on you. I know it’s pretty technical.) But, here’s the kicker. It is not really shaped like a basketball, or a dime or a quarter. It is roughly the shape of a butternut squash. Fascinating, yes? Well you ain’t heard nothing yet because listen to this: it doesn’t taste like butternut squash! It actually tastes like a Jell-o Pudding Pop. Which unfortunately brings this butthole into the picture.pud-pops

But wait. Wasn’t there a question asked at some point? Oh yes. Why does the moon look bigger when it’s low in the sky.To find the answer, we need to do some simple mathematics.

brick-genericThe moon is approximately fifteen feet from the Earth. [citation needed]. When it is close to the horizon, it is actually a full foot and a half closer, because of the gravitational pull of Donald Trump’s hair. Try this experiment. Hold a brick a foot and a half from your face. Now, as fast as you can, smash the brick into your face. You will see stars, not the moon. This really doesn’t come into play with regard to the question. I just thought it would be funny if you did that.

Actually, if you had your eyes open as the brick approached your face, it may have appeared to be getting bigger right before things started hurting real bad. So there’s that. I guess it’s not totally unrelated after all. God, I’m a great scientist!

By the way, if you ask the Google this question, you may get a vastly different answer. That’s because “mainstream” science has an “agenda.” They want you to “learn” about things like the effect of the “atmosphere” on viewing “celestial” “bodies.” Don’t buy into this nonsense. Knowledge is rigged.

As it turns out, I have an agenda also. And according to my agenda it’s time for me to eat a Jell-o Pudding Pop. I hope it doesn’t lead me down a slippery slope.

Government Forced To Sue Apollo Astronaught To Get Back Their Shit

NEW YORK (Reuters) – The U.S. government has sued a former NASA astronaut to recover a camera used to explore the moon’s surface during the 1971 Apollo 14 mission after seeing it slated for sale in a New York auction.

Ed Mitchell would like to sell this to you for a cool $4.5 billion!

The lawsuit, filed in Miami federal court on Wednesday, accuses Edgar Mitchell of illegally possessing the camera and attempting to sell it for profit. The suit goes on to say that Mitchell is offering the moon itself to anyone who can pony up the $4.5 billion asking price.

In March, NASA learned that the British auction house Bonhams was planning to sell the camera at an upcoming Space History Sale, according to the suit. “We are also offering several pounds of space garbage including the nameplate from the original Sputnik satellite, which now reads simply ‘Sputn.'” Makers of Sesame Street claim this is actually the nameplate from the dressing room door of Mr. Snuffleupagus, who was originally known as Mr. Sputnikupalous, named after a Greek bartender on Caraway Street, on block away from Sesame Street. (Sputnikupalous settled his suit with Sesame Street out of court in 1979.)

The item was labeled “Movie Camera from the Lunar Surface” and billed as one of two cameras from the Apollo 14’s lunar module Antares. The lot description said the item came “directly from the collection” of pilot Edgar Mitchell and had a pre-sale estimate of $60,000 to $80,000, the suit said. The lot description went on to say that Mitchell “stripped that bitch like a Beemer in a Mexicali chopshop,” in order to obtain the camera.

Save your money. Here's one for free. Note it's signed "LMP" which we originally thought meant "Lunar Module Pilot" but turns out to mean "Lick My Penis." Tsk, tsk, Ed!

Mitchell was a lunar module pilot on Apollo 14, which launched its nine-day mission in 1971 under the command of Alan Shepard. The sixth person to walk on the moon, Mitchell is now retired and runs a website selling his autographed picture. He shares the site with Santiva, the horse which finished sixth in the Kentucky derby. The horse’s autographed picture outsells Mitchell’s 4 to 1.

He has made headlines in the past for his stated belief in the existence of extraterrestrial life. “Go ahead,” Mitchell has said, “explain Michael Jackson some other way!”

“All equipment and property used during NASA operations remains the property of NASA unless explicitly released or transferred to another party,” the government suit said, adding NASA had no record of the camera being given to Mitchell. “We do have record of him working a socket wrench like a madman to yank the camera off the LM, however,” NASA Spokesman Rod Ripenzi said.

The suit said the government had made repeated requests to Mitchell and his lawyer to return the camera but received no response.

Four times more popular than Mitchell, Santiva also came in sixth.

Mitchell’s lawyer, Donald Shiemshifter, said NASA management was aware of and approved Mitchell’s ownership of the camera 40 years ago. “After they saw the video of him stealing…excuse me, removing the camera from the LM, the bigwigs at NASA all said, ‘You know, since he worked so hard to rip off…er, recover the camera…why not let him keep it.’ I’m pretty sure someone may have almost said that,” Shiemshifter said.

Bonhams said in an emailed statement that the camera had been slated to be auctioned off in May when it learned about the ownership dispute from NASA. The auction house withdrew the camera from sale “pending further discussion between NASA and the consignor,” a.k.a Ed ‘The Nutjob’ Mitchell” a Bonhams spokesperson said.

The government is asking the court to stop Mitchell from selling the camera to anyone, to order its return and to declare that the United States has “good, clean and exclusive title” to the camera. They would also like him slapped in looney-chains and put far, far away from the public eye. “We’re having enough trouble without former heroes going all Charlie Sheen on us.”

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